Hope4Peyton

**Updated: Thank you to MaryLynn, without whom the “Bill Knapps Chocolate Cake” recipe would not have passed into my email…and Peter wouldn’t be able to enthusiastically pester me with “Do you think that’s the real cake recipe?” until I am FORCED to try it. **

My dear hubby Peter has a thing for chocolate cake.  He has a love for all things chocolate, genetically predisposed to it, I suppose, as his mother is the same way.  We’ve been married for 10 years, together for a little over 11.  And the one consistent in our life has been his overall disdain for any chocolate cake that attempts to be a Bill Knapps cake.  I don’t recall if I’ve ever set foot in a Bill Knapps restaurant before, they’ve gone out of business and shut their doors forever….stealing from DH this nirvana of dessert foods.  Each year on his birthday I seek out new and improved versions of chocolate cake, hoping this will be the year that he finally shuts up about lets go of the cake-that-got-away.

Yet, every year my dream is dashed against the rocks of discontent as his words are always the same, “It’s good, but it’s not a Bill Knapps cake.”  *After year 4, I had to physically restrain myself from taking the remainder of the cake and bludgeoning him into a coma….with spongecake…with buttercream frosting…hard, but not impossible.

This morning I went to Jimmy’s funeral.  It was wrenching and sad beyond bearing. I really can’t talk about that anymore.

I suffered serious guilt issues because after doing 4 u-turns to find the driveway to the after-service reception I totally ran over this gigantic turtle! I full-on ran it over Mario Brothers style and sent it spinning off the road.  I drove back to see if it was dead…because if it wasn’t, exactly WHAT was I planning to do about it?  But it wasn’t dead, it was stuck in the grass, with it’s neck and head all stretched out…I started to stop to check it out, but then it looked at me and I swear SWEAR it GLARED at me!  I took off in case it was doing some funky turtle call thing and getting all of its friends ready to attack.  Yeah, I’m brave, a turtle intimidated me…want to be my friend?

I got home to get the call telling me that my dad had the ultimate “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” moment. No. Seriously.  He broke his hip.  He fell and he couldn’t get UP! He got to use the line FOR REAL.  My Poor Daddy is in the hospital and will have to get a full hip replacement.  Love you, Dad!

That’s when the last emotional slap of the day happened.  Pete’s grandmother passed away today at 99.5 years old.  She was an amazing woman. To hear her kids and grandkids talk about her is a marvel in how to be a woman of strength and love.  I hope that someday my own children and their children will talk about ME with bubbles of awe and love floating in their eyes.  Probably not, will probably still be complaining about my mediocre cooking skills, but I can hope, right?

So, I’m sure you’re wondering why I would start out this day of tears and emotional upheaval with some chocolate cake babble.

Peter and I sat down with the kids to talk about Grandma’s death because we are going to try hard to get Pete’s job to let us go be there for the service.  Although we’ve had to have several talks about the friends that have passed this year and they know I go to the funerals. I’m not sure it’s any more concrete in their minds than a day I wear the nice shoes and come home with a ribbon pinned to my shirt.  We’ll actually be TAKING them to this funeral and they will have to stand and watch the tears and mourning.  I don’t want them to be scared of it.

There was much discussion of Heaven and the family that will be there to greet Grandma with loving arms, especially Grandpa. Then we settled down into some Mayhew-style Heaven wondering.

Nathaniel and Pete chose to open the floor with the food in Heaven.  Because REALLy, while I’d rather know what kind of footwear we get or if we have to wear the same hairstyle for eternity, all the boys are worried about is what’s for dinner. And after dinner always comes dessert.

Peter – I can’t wait to try some of God’s chocolate cake

Me- Why?  All you’ll say is “It’s not a Bill Knapps cake”

Peter – Yeah, but still can’t wait to try it

Wow, do you get to go to Heaven if you smack talk God’s caterer??

It’s 1:30 in the morning and I should really be asleep.  Like REALLY be asleep. As in, I know tomorrow is going to be an emotionally draining, tearfully painful exercise in grief and strength and I need to be resting to prepare for it.  In 8 hours I need to walk into a funeral home and hug a friend who is allowing friends and family to say goodbye to a child that will never be gone from her heart.

Will she want to scream not to say goodbye but hold it inside behind a sad smile?  Another friend who had to let go of her child’s physical body was firm in her belief that it wasn’t goodbye, her words were “We’ll see you soon.”

Jimmy’s mom, Christy, honored me and touched my heart by asking if she could use one of my posts for the service?  I would like to say I was gracious and poised at her request.  I think we all know I started bawling like a baby and blubbered on the phone, forcing this sweet friend to reassure ME!  Oh yeah, I’m a rock.

I burned off many layers of the skin on my fingertips during the ribbon making ceremony.  A group of us will get together before a child’s funeral and make ribbons to be worn at the service.  I will never forget my first ribbon-making event. I cried so many tears during that day, I’m sure each ribbon smelled a little salty.  That was also the day I found out I am miserable with a glue gun.

At that funeral so many months ago, I hugged my friend and whispered in her ear, “There is literally a little piece of me in each of these ribbons. Pieces of my charred flesh are all over the place.” She laughed.  Standing in front of her child’s casket, broken by the loss, this amazing woman hugged me back and just laughed.

I am no better with a glue gun now than I was then.  And I’ve been through this process too many times since then.  Red ribbons, gold ribbons, ladybugs, butterflies,  soccer balls, they are beautiful and sad gifts.  I could make these ribbons in my sleep. Too much practice.

Yet, I am thankful for the time spent gluing, cutting, sharing, hugging, understanding and laughing. These are the times when we start the healing process, when we bind ourselves together to be a unified support for our friends.

First let me tell you how much I personally appreciate all the wonderful words of support and encouragement you’ve given over the past day.  I’m going to print out this post, along with the sweet messages of prayer and compassion that you’ve left, and give them to Jimmy’s mother.

Thank you, ALL, for being awesome that way.

I am so thankful for my kids because they are able to make me laugh when humor seems the farthest thing from possible. On a morning when I literally felt hungover from the sorrow, I got the best gift I could have gotten from Peyton.

A reason to just sit back and lose it laughing, accepting the knowledge that no matter how sad and overwhelmed I might be, there are always moments of pure joy to be had.

*Warning…if you have a clean, decent mind, this picture won’t even cause you to crack a smile.

***Warning…if your mind is even the tinest bit warped, this picture may blow your gourd!

OK, first answer that crosses your mind:  WHAT DO YOU SEE IN THE PICTURE?

Why, it’s a vase of course, don’t you see the beautiful flowers?

Raise your hand if you laughed!

A child died today.

A funny little boy with an abundance of freckles and a unique way of pronouncing his r’s. A boy with an infectious smile and a love of Poke’mon and video games. He was a son, brother, friend, loved by many, missed by all.

World, you have no idea what you’ve missed out on! No concept of what you’ve lost. He left behind unlived dreams, unfulfilled potential. He leaves the memory of laughter, a history of strength, and the legacy of a warrior.

In 9 years he fought harder, endured more, withstood things a child should never know. He never remembered a life without cancer, he spent the last 5 years battling it. Today that disease won over his body. It couldn’t take it anymore. It had no more to give and today he left that body behind.

He left behind the disease, the pain, the suffering. For that we have to be thankful, he is beyond the weaknesses of a physical body.

He left behind parents who will never forget the feel of his hugs, and will always ache for those arms to wrap around her neck again.

He left behind sisters who will listen for his voice, whose lives will always be emptier for missing it.

He left behind a world that is far less for him not being a part of it anymore.

I pray for the peace and comfort of his family and the friends that have to face the days ahead without him. I pray for those who will mourn him and grieve for the existence of this disease that robs families of their children and children of their lives. I pray that Heaven’s gates opened this morning and welcomed him into eternal joy.

Tonight I’ll be holding my children tighter, hoping that no one ever has to write these words about us. I’ll hug my daughter and beg God to let the cancer stay out of her body.

I’ll cry. I’ll fear. I’ll hurt.

I’ll know it’s nothing compared to the pain that his family is going through.

Whatever your religion, your belief, please take a moment and pray for this courageous boy and his family.

Jimmy Reichert

I’ll have a post later for an update with Peyton’s clinic visit today.  Right now I’m trying out a new thing called Special Exposure Wednesday, on a new site 5 Minutes for Special Needs.  I’ve waffled about whether or not Peyton actually falls under the special needs blanket.  However, she has extraordinary needs and I find her pretty special.

So, my picture for Special Exposure Wednesday is a big milestone for Peyton.  Last year she started asking to get her ears pierced and the doctors always said no, her immune system was too supresesd, not to risk any chance of infection.  So I kept telling her no and she kept being disappointed. I think the recent loss of so much of her hair really hit her in the girly department.

The last time we asked we got a 100% GO FOR IT!  I was a little shocked and Peyton was thrilled to the tips of her multi-colored toenails. We did it. She was brave and strong and wasn’t too worried about it. After all, when you get a needle poked in your chest on a regular basis, what’s a little poke in the ear?

She’s very excited, she’s picked out her studs and is ready to GO!

Prepping the perfect poke

She was brave and didn’t shed a single tear!

First piercing….we’ll try to hold off on the belly button until college