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The weight of words

Peyton had her bi-weekly oncology clinic visit today. They pricked her finger and we got a CBC (complete blood count) that showed everything is right on target.

My heart is relieved.  Each visit, each month…no matter how good she looks, how energetic she’s been…there’s a stutter in my chest while I wait to receive the results that say we’re good until the next time.

Today was a monumental day.

Each time we leave the clinic, whether it’s just for counts or if we’ve been in for chemo or a spinal tap or a bone marrow….we always make our next appointment when we leave. Making that following appointment is deeply ingrained in my routine…I’ve left Nathaniel sitting in the waiting room as I leave the building, I’ve gotten all the way home and realized I forgot to go back to the pharmacy and pick up her medications, I’ve left toys and food and clothing in that clinic….but I never forget to make her next appointment.

Today was a milestone day.

Today I made Peyton’s appointment for her last chemo…..

And this is where I stumble.

“…last chemo.”

“…last chemo EVER.”

“…last chemo for this protocol.”

“…last chemo unless it’s not the last chemo.”

Yes, no, all of the above.

Do I have to quantify that sentence?

In a way, I feel like I do.

Am I being overly positive and unrealistic to say EVER?

Am I being negative and a gloomy doomy glumpants if I say FOR NOW?

I’m really neither.  I’m uncertain.  I’m anxious. I’m ecstatic. I’m hopeful.

On the 27th of this month we’ll go in to have her port accessed for chemo, she’ll have a spinal tap to see what’s going on in there, and on the 31st I’ll hand her the last dose of chemo….for WHAT?

FOREVER? Oh, I can’t tell you how much I wish I were sure of that.

The alternative hurts to consider.

I suppose I’ll have to end that sentence as we’ve handled each hurdle and uncertainty.

Today I made Peyton’s appointment for her last chemo…I pray.

17 Comments on “The weight of words”

  1. #1 jennifer
    on Oct 15th, 2008 at 8:24 am

    Congratulations to Peyton and to your whole family. What wonderful news this is! It would not be normal Anissa if your “worry meter” just shut off all of a sudden. You will always worry – you’re a mom, and a mom who has been through more than most! Just hang on to your hope that Peyton enjoys a long lifetime of good health. We are all rooting for Peyton and your family.

  2. #2 Michelle Riggs
    on Oct 15th, 2008 at 9:41 am

    Praise God that you are so close to the end. I will be praying that this is truly the end of this road for you.

    Michelle Riggss last blog post..Magazine Monday Nominations…

  3. #3 chris
    on Oct 15th, 2008 at 9:50 am

    I pray too. Beautifully written and expressed. So moving.

  4. #4 Ashley @ mrs007.net
    on Oct 15th, 2008 at 10:19 am

    I pray that God sends you peace and that your anxiousness is dissipated. I also pray that it WILL be her last chemo appointment EVER. Blessings to your family 🙂

  5. #5 Sammanthia
    on Oct 15th, 2008 at 12:13 pm

    I’m praying for your family that it will be the last chemo treatment, too. You’ve all had a lot to deal with, and I admire your strength. God bless you.:)

    Sammanthias last blog post..‘Tis The Season To Be Scary

  6. #6 Debbie
    on Oct 15th, 2008 at 12:46 pm

    Hi Anissa, I’ve been “stalking” your blog for a while and I’m sorry I never comment. :\ But I just want to tell you that I pray for Peyton and all kids with cancer. I have a 4 y/o myself and I can’t even begin to imagine everything your family has gone through. Hallelujah for the last chemo appointment! 🙂 Have a blessed day!

  7. #7 Karalyn
    on Oct 15th, 2008 at 2:30 pm

    Praying, praying, praying, that October 27 is the last chemo appointment you will ever have to take Peyton to…forever.

  8. #8 Beverly
    on Oct 15th, 2008 at 2:34 pm

    How wonderful!

    We’ll pray with you…and hope!

    Beverlys last blog post..The Glimpse

  9. #9 Double Agent Girl
    on Oct 15th, 2008 at 2:42 pm

    Oh darling! I’ve been praying for this day!
    Hide away Mr. Anxiety. You don’t need him right now. Get moving on planning a celebration of Peyton’s courage and success! Don’t colour the achievement with the fear of relapse. Worry about that next month. Let her bask in the freedom.. for just a little while. Hug her close.

  10. #10 P.K.
    on Oct 15th, 2008 at 5:50 pm

    She won’t relapse…she just won’t. Enough said.

  11. #11 Sarah Clapp
    on Oct 15th, 2008 at 6:20 pm

    YEAH PEYTON! And you got to take your joyous moments when you can get them. Enjoy and know that you both deserve them.

    Sarah Clapps last blog post..Lost and Found

  12. #12 Heather
    on Oct 15th, 2008 at 6:34 pm

    I have written and deleted many responses to you today. I want to say so much to you. Like I know exactly how you are feeling. That hope, that fear. But, you know that about me already. I am always thinking about you. I wish and hope the best for you and your family. Nakedness and all. 🙂

    Heathers last blog post..Crappy night

  13. #13 Mrs. Kitty
    on Oct 15th, 2008 at 7:36 pm

    Woo Hoo!!! I’ll be praying it’s her last time EVER. What a fantastic feeling it must be to know that you don’t have to go back.

    Big Hugs.

    Mrs. Kittys last blog post..Smokin’ Ute

  14. #14 Debbie
    on Oct 16th, 2008 at 12:22 am

    Would you believe I woke up this mornig with NO internet? Good grief, I’ve become so dependant on it, I just felt “weird” all day without it.

    Anyway, we are back up and running, and I’m glad to hear that Peyton is doing so well. Last chemo…yea! We are all praying with you Anissa!

  15. #15 Amanda
    on Oct 18th, 2008 at 3:17 pm


    This post sent gave me goose bumps.

    We’re praying that it’s Peyton’s last chemo dose, forever.

    Love ya.

  16. #16 Jennifer
    on Oct 18th, 2008 at 10:26 pm

    I pray too. Every single day, I pray too.

  17. #17 Dan Cohen
    on Oct 22nd, 2008 at 10:07 pm

    YES…. her LAST chemo!

    I will keep praying for continued good health.

    Sending hugs…