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Stuff They Don’t Put In Parenting Books, Part 326

Peyton laid down a normal sleepy 4 year old.

She came out from her nap smelling of A&D ointment.  That’s never a good sign. She started crying about 5 steps into the living room and couldn’t quit.

Does your booty hurt? Yes

Do you need to go poo? NO!

Do you have a rash?  NO!

Why does it hurt?  Sweet heaven on a biscuit, lady, I don’t know, but I wish I knew better curse words so I could spew them at you to show exactly how BAD my butt hurts right now. So stop asking questions and fix it!!!!!!!

So, ok, that wasn’t actually the way the last part went, but it is close enough for me to be instantly concerned.  She wasn’t constipated, because after her last bout with THAT I’ve taken great care to take mental note of the regularity in which she befouls the bathroom.  She hadn’t been complaining about a rash because that comes on pretty gradually and it’s never an instant pain.  Do 4 year olds get hemorrhoids?

Oh. Did she stick something up there?

I’ve had to have her blow Nerds candy out of her nose. The doctor once dug a piece of popped popcorn out of her ear…after a week of it being there…because that’s how THIS mom rolls.

** TMI Alert **

It’s that lovely time of the month in my cycle and there have been certain accoutrements that go along with that in the bathroom.  My next thought is that she has somehow tried to infiltrate herself with one of those, and perhaps it isn’t really her butt that hurts.  Oh this is bad. So bad. Bad like I’ve never contemplated before. This a great big bad-glazed BAD with a creamy bad filling.

“Let’s go to the bathroom so I can see IT and see if we can fix it.” Brave talk from a mom who’s broken out into a full body sweat.  Forget about the “don’t let them see you sweat” thing…it should be “don’t let them see you Google ‘things that may be stuck in my butt’”!!!

Once she realizes that I’m going to try to FIX whatever is wrong, she throws herself on the floor and then realizes that such action HURTS MORE and starts screaming even louder.  *Note, just this very second as I am writing up this post, she came in to tell me “my throat hurts….from all that screaming.” As if I could forget it, my ears are still ringing!

So, I have to grab her around the waist and carry her writhing body into the bathroom.

We go through this dance of me trying to convince her to take off her undies, bend over and let me look at the offending area. We are both horrified.  Neither of us is happy with this option.  But she is still crying and her pain is very real.  So I have to force the issue.

Pulling her over my legs, I try to get her to the point that I can look.  She’s clenched up so tightly that I can’t see anything but little pink cheeks.  This isn’t helping.

“Peyton, you have to open up so I can see what’s going on down there!!!”  I have to yell this over her howling and immediately feel like the worst kind of prison inmate, the kind that uses phrases like “I told you to pick up the soap!!”

She relaxes the tiniest bit and I see something.  I can’t identify it, I only see a glimpse of it.  But there is definitely something stuck.  Please re-read paragraph 11 – entitled BAD.

She’s screaming.  I’m wondering if this is something that I should contact a medical professional about.  I grab a handful of wipes that are always stationed next to the toilet and go back to the prison-inmate-mama voice.

Much screaming continues and I finally get a few swipes at the offending area.  I look to see if there’s any blood or anything on the wipes…because the job of a mom is so wonderfully gratifying.  And there is.

“It feels better now, mama.”

What was it, you might ask? Or perhaps you wouldn’t ask because deep down you don’t want to know and are horrified that you’ve kept reading to this point.  You know I’m going to tell you anyway, so THIS is the moment you need to close the browser and walk away.

Still here?  Ok, then.

She had a splinter on her butt. Not IN her butt, but between the cheeks was a little quarter inch long piece of wood. Wedged in there.  Poking her in the most sensitive of places.  OUCH.

She’s all recovered now, besides the sore throat from all the screaming.  I gave her some chocolate.

I now have this mental playing of a conversation down the road….perhaps in the teen years, when strife seems inevitable….where she’s acting like a jerk and I get to use the line “I already pulled the stick out of your butt ONCE, so what’s your problem now?”

I can’t wait.

25 Comments on “Stuff They Don’t Put In Parenting Books, Part 326”

  1. #1 Havi Brooks (and duck)
    on Aug 12th, 2008 at 6:01 pm


    That was really, really, moving and well-written and all sorts of good things.

    When are they letting you write the parenting manuals?

    Havi Brooks (and duck)s last blog post..Explosions, homework & a new marketing plan

  2. #2 Greg
    on Aug 12th, 2008 at 6:19 pm

    How about a quick rewrite of your story … it goes like this … “Yesterday was a difficult day. My daughter had a splinter, it was painful. It was safely removed and we lived happily ever after. Payton ate some chocolate too. The end” See how nice that story is – kinda down plays the screaming and torment. Only the smallest circle of people need to know it had anything to do with the buttocks, maybe just you and Peyton. Now it is out there, on the internet, where it will live forever. Just imagine in some far flung future when she is running for political office, “Senator Mayhew, how do you propose we solve serious issues of state when just forty years ago you were crying like a baby with a splinter stuck in your butt?” It could happen.

  3. #3 Karalyn
    on Aug 12th, 2008 at 6:55 pm

    What what in the butt.

  4. #4 Karen Sugarpants
    on Aug 12th, 2008 at 7:04 pm

    Awwww poor little bean!

    Karen Sugarpantss last blog post..Here From Her Bad Mother?

  5. #5 Kristine
    on Aug 12th, 2008 at 7:42 pm

    Oh my god, I would so have to tell everyone about the splinter in the butt too! lmao

    Poor little thing, sounds like it was traumatic for both of you.

    Kristines last blog post..A Meme – for Tackle it Tuesday

  6. #6 Karalyn
    on Aug 12th, 2008 at 8:14 pm

    Ok now seriously…Peyton I heart you!

  7. #7 Christina
    on Aug 12th, 2008 at 8:41 pm

    I’m laughing so loud right now, and know I shouldn’t be, because I’m sure she was hurting. But you’ve got so much ammo against her in her teen years now!

    Good thing you didn’t have to go in for anything.

    Christinas last blog post..Why We’ll Never Be Welcomed Back For Dim Sum Ever Again

  8. #8 SciFi Dad
    on Aug 12th, 2008 at 8:57 pm

    Nicely done. I’m here laughing my ass off at you in your prison butch tone, and your kid has a splinter in her, well, ass.

    SciFi Dads last blog post..The Photoshoot, And Some Exchanges

  9. #9 SciFi Dad
    on Aug 12th, 2008 at 8:59 pm

    Oh, and as an aside, between this and the beer can, how many ass stories do you have, lady?!?

  10. #10 Shelley
    on Aug 12th, 2008 at 9:14 pm

    All that was missing was her asking you to kiss her butt…to make it feel better of course. I think you should have gotten the chocolate, you deserved it!!! I hate to ask, but did you ask her just how she managed to get a splinter in her behind of all places? That must have been one active nap!!!!


  11. #11 Double Agent Girl
    on Aug 12th, 2008 at 10:15 pm

    ROTFLMAO! “I already pulled the stick outta your butt once…” AHAHAHAHA! Sorry, I get it sucked for her. But that’s one helluva story lady!

    Well written. Unlike some, I’m ALL about the details. Peyton? ROCKS!

    Double Agent Girls last blog post..I Need Some Help

  12. #12 Paul
    on Aug 12th, 2008 at 11:10 pm

    I commend you on your most excellent usage of the word “infiltrate”.

  13. #13 Tracy
    on Aug 13th, 2008 at 1:52 am

    Wow I thought I had a bad Day…
    You crack me up..there is no way you could even begin to make the stuff up that happens to you all. You are super mom!

    Tracys last blog post..What did I just step in??????

  14. #14 always home and uncool
    on Aug 13th, 2008 at 7:40 am

    Girl … do you ever have a quiet day at home?

    always home and uncools last blog post..Sarcasm – Don’t Leave Home Without It

  15. #15 Crystal
    on Aug 13th, 2008 at 8:27 am

    A mommy’s job is never done! I won’t even ask HOW the splinter managed to find it’s temporary home. She’s 4, I understand I have one of my own.

  16. #16 Angela
    on Aug 13th, 2008 at 9:09 am

    Aaaa nnnn iiiii ssss ssss aaaaa!
    She is going to be soooo unhappy someday when she understands all you write. lol

  17. #17 Angela
    on Aug 13th, 2008 at 9:10 am

    By the way I was singing your name, not yelling at you! love you sis

  18. #18 Melisa
    on Aug 13th, 2008 at 12:16 pm

    Mama fixes everything…again.

    I was totally cringing the whole time I was reading, so thanks for THAT.

    Going to get a massage now so I can relax again. (NOT: I wish!)

  19. #19 Kelsey
    on Aug 13th, 2008 at 1:08 pm

    Aww Ouch poor baby!!!

  20. #20 Sarah Clapp
    on Aug 13th, 2008 at 3:04 pm

    AHh… maybe that’s my neighbor’s problem, she has a stick up her ass. Maybe that’s why she’s so miserable….thanks for the insight Peyton!

    Sarah Clapps last blog post..Meet Diakalia from Mali, Africa

  21. #21 Holly at Tropic of Mom
    on Aug 13th, 2008 at 3:49 pm

    Ohmygoodness! With that mention of your cycle, I was afraid you were going to say there was a tampon in her butt.

    How did she get a splinter in her butt? Er … never mind….


    Holly at Tropic of Moms last blog post..Hollywood Beach

  22. #22 slackermommy
    on Aug 13th, 2008 at 10:44 pm

    Only a kid could find themselves with a splinter in their crack. It made a great post though! I was chuckling as I read.

    slackermommys last blog post..Loser Christmas

  23. #23 Lois - goodies for mom
    on Aug 14th, 2008 at 4:15 pm

    LOL! at your last paragraph!!! Thank goodness she is ok and you are so right I couldn’t stop myself from reading even though I wanted to.

  24. #24 Evon Mease
    on Aug 14th, 2008 at 9:06 pm

    I am convinced that you and only you Anissa could come up with that last line.

    Now thinking of another response as to how stuff on the internet never dies and your other blog about 700 years from now….do you think maybe this will still be flying around somewhere then?

  25. #25 Christy
    on Aug 15th, 2008 at 7:27 am

    Well done – to both of you! xxx

    Christys last blog post..FRIDAY: eating and feeling