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One time I don’t want to party

I had this whole post planned about the “end of treatment party” or lack thereof.

I even had it partially drafted.

Everything I needed to say about this subject is totally encapsulated in the next sentences I’m going to type:

Another friend’s child relapsed this week. A young man, eleven years out of treatment, was diagnosed with a secondary cancer, a viciously aggressive brain tumor. A little boy is laying in a bed in the PICU, the cancer is gone but infection and complications are threatening his life.

I feel so tired of it all.

That is why there will be no end of treatment party.  I just can’t.  I can’t celebrate something that’s left me feeling so raw and vulnerable.

I am happy our daughter has finished treatment. I can’t even tell you what it feels like to say those words aloud.  My daughter doesn’t have cancer anymore, she’s done with chemotherapy.

Why would I not be dancing on rooftops?!

Well, unless you’re really new to this site, you know that I’m the teeniest bit C.R.A.Z.Y.

Me = Crazy like Starbucks = Coffee.  (Them’s the full extent of my math skills, there will be a test later)

We are two night without chemo and YES I’m full of anxiety and fear.  I am consumed with the “what if”, I feel as if I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I’ve seen it drop, far too many times.

Because, although I pray for her healing and I know God’s hands are wrapped all around her, I also know that sometimes God’s plans hold the unwanted.  And that sucks. So I pray for an accepting and faithful heart.

There are times I get God mixed up with Santa Claus…I want to write a letter and lay back, confident that my wishes are going to be met.

I’m praying. HARD. That my baby girl is going to be ok, that I’ll get my act together and get a grip, that I’ll be a better wife and mother, that I’ll be able to be a friend and a support to my friends who need every encouragement possible.

ps….a post I wrote is being highlighted on today, so go check it out….sadly, it sort of fits my mood today.

13 Comments on “One time I don’t want to party”

  1. #1 Sarah Clapp
    on Nov 5th, 2008 at 8:40 am

    We’re praying for her too and all the children/people that suffer from cancer and sickness. There’s a lot on your plate woman, and considering, your doing an awesome job. Keep the faith! – s

    Sarah Clapps last blog post..Happy Halloween!

  2. #2 Gwendolyn
    on Nov 5th, 2008 at 8:46 am

    I’m praying, too. I can only imagine how difficult it is. I’m a worrier by nature, and I’m afraid that I would have to daily give it to God or I would go nuts. Maybe even give it to Him every few minutes. Yeah, probably that. :o)

    Gwendolyns last blog post..

  3. #3 Awesome Mom
    on Nov 5th, 2008 at 9:50 am

    What you are feeling is perfectly normal. For years we had to deal with hospital stays, surgeries and procedures in connection with Evan’s heart defect. Now all the planned surgeries are over and his heart is “fixed” but I still keep my heart a bit guarded and never celebrate that everything is “done”. He could still need a heart transplant in the distant future, we just never know what is in store for our kids. All we can do is live life and hope for the best.

    Awesome Moms last blog post..Yipee!

  4. #4 chris
    on Nov 5th, 2008 at 10:31 am

    We’re continuing to pray too. You’re doing just fine Mom. Hang in there.

  5. #5 motherofbun
    on Nov 5th, 2008 at 11:19 am

    My heart is with you. Think of you often and praying for you guys. So happy to hear treatment is finished tho.

    So sorry to hear of your friend’s son.

  6. #6 Ashley
    on Nov 5th, 2008 at 11:38 am

    I can’t really think of anything to say (ingenius or otherwise) but know I’m praying for you and all the families our there dealing with cancer for the first time, fear of relapse, relapse, or anything else so horrible. Love, hugs, and all that mushy stuff. 🙂

    Ashleys last blog post..Part Tres of the Disaster Days

  7. #7 Lianne
    on Nov 5th, 2008 at 12:24 pm

    When we create community with others, their grief becomes our grief, their joys become our joys. I understand how her relapse is affecting your joy and celebration.

    However, I say HURRAY to Peyton and her lifetime of great health!

  8. #8 autumn dahlia
    on Nov 5th, 2008 at 2:01 pm

    I can only imagine how you must be feeling but we’re all sending you good, positive thoughts that the worst is behind her!

    autumn dahlias last blog post..Wordless Wednesday – What happens when the dog is done with her Halloween costume

  9. #9 Shash
    on Nov 5th, 2008 at 7:01 pm

    Calling you tonight…

    Shashs last blog post..No Matter What

  10. #10 Marissa
    on Nov 5th, 2008 at 9:41 pm

    You are not crazy. You would be crazy NOT to worry, especially with the heartache you have experienced since entering the cancer world. Just know that we are all thinking about you and praying for Peyton! Enjoy the chemoless cancerless life! You’ve all fought long and hard and deserve all the happiness in the world!

  11. #11 threeundertwo
    on Nov 6th, 2008 at 12:16 am

    Not crazy. Cautious and realistic. And forget that “better wife and mom” stuff – I’m sure you are already.

    Peyton is always in my prayers.

    threeundertwos last blog post..What I want my kids to remember

  12. #12 Jennifer
    on Nov 6th, 2008 at 1:12 am

    I don’t blame you one bit Anissa. Not one bit. The fear must be all consuming. But like Peter said, as the days drift by, you will get used to this new life without cancer. It will become more and more “normal”. I’m sure the fear will never fully leave but there will come a day when it won’t consume you so much. And in the meantime – I’m sending all of my love, prayers, and support and wishing I could be there to NOT party with you! ;O)


    Jennifers last blog post..100% WEIRD…

  13. #13 It's hard work being this crazy | Hope4Peyton
    on Jan 22nd, 2009 at 1:48 am

    […] can talk about my crazy.  I can divulge some of the surface crazy.  But this is the down-to-the-bone crazy that sneaks up on me and smacks me down ninja style […]