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No final chemo and words likely to drive me over the edge to the dark place

My heart raced when Peyton and I walked into the clinic this morning.


Possibly worse than the first time Peter and I walked in there with her, so fragile with dread.

I had myself worked up into a good frenzy.

I would see each procedure as the last.

The last time she would be having the chemo drug Vincristine pushed into her body.

The last time she would lay curled into a warm soft question mark of flesh and bone as they pressed a needle deep in her spine.

The last time I would bring her to this place to be pumped full of poison.

I was ready!

Her? No big deal.

Me? A walking black hole masquerading as a human.

Yet, it was all for nothing.

There was no last chemo today. There was no final spinal tap. There was no last anything.



Peyton’s port decided to take a poop on the day’s plans, after hours of drugs to clear the line and pumping fluids in hopes of getting a return of blood that would enable us to start the finish….we got nothing.

I have a feeling her port has seen it’s day. It has been progressively less and less cooperative over the past couple of months and on this last day that we needed it to function it gave us the finger and told us to take a leap.  No go.

After much tossing around of options between me, the doctor and the nurse, we decided the best plan of action is to wait until Wednesday…because what I really need is another two days to wallow in my crazy….but best for Peyton and that’s all that matters.

On Wednesday, she’ll be going under general anesthetic….they’ll administer the final pull of spinal fluid and also do a bone marrow aspiration to ensure remission…we are praying that her port works on Wednesday, otherwise we will be administering her chemo through a regular IV into the hand.

Nothing feels so good as to hear the nurse warn you that they will protect Peyton in all ways possible from any kind of leakage of the chemo because, just in case you didn’t know, it’s BAD for you. She explained that they don’t administer Vincristine into a joint (such as the elbow) because if it were to leak it could leave permanent, irreparable damage, say, like, destroying the cartilage.

Let’s hear that again, folks.

The chemo that Peyton has had filtered into her body on a monthly basis for the past two and half years could completely eat away the cartilage in her elbow.

Good times.

And that’s just ONE of the many meds her body’s withstood.

I hate this disease. I’m glad to see it gone. Beyond all the fears and anxieties, I am feeling this impatience to know that we are done with treatment. I have been anticipating this moment and going slowly insane and I’m ready for it to be done….so I can move onto the next phase of neurosis to be perfected.

I like to feel like I’m growing and learning as a person.

So, now we have are still waiting, with a little more anxiety than we started with because I am FREAKING about the port not working and having to possibly put her chemo in through a leaky IV, which makes me consider if I shouldn’t demand them to do it in her left hand because she’s a righty and if the chemo is going to cause all the bones in her hand to melt away and then she has to go get some robotic prosthesis at least she’ll still have her good writing hand….slight dramatization, but a little insight to how my brain works.

Worries? I HAZ them.

21 Comments on “No final chemo and words likely to drive me over the edge to the dark place”

  1. #1 threeundertwo
    on Oct 28th, 2008 at 4:07 pm

    Oh! Big hugs!

    Can we throw a little party on Wednesday when it’s all done?

    I’ll be thinking of you. I’d be there WITH you if I could, but I’ll be there in spirit.

    threeundertwos last blog post..Halloween Candy Law

  2. #2 MammaLoves
    on Oct 28th, 2008 at 4:07 pm

    I’m going to scream as loudly as I can in my car on the way home for you tonight.

    I don’t know how you do it. I wish I could be there to help prop you up every once in a while.

    Many hugs my friend. Many, many hugs

    MammaLovess last blog post..Moms on the Town

  3. #3 Shash
    on Oct 28th, 2008 at 4:09 pm

    Wish I could be there tomorrow with you guys. I’ll be thinking about you ALL DAY though. Give Peyton a big hug from us, mkay?

    Then tell Peyton to give you a hug from us too.

    Love you guys!


  4. #4 Jozet at Halushki
    on Oct 28th, 2008 at 4:19 pm

    I wish this over, and over for better. I wish Wednesday here and gone and no more of this need to grow and learn. As far as I’m concerned, you’ve earned an A+ with bonus points and an honorary degree in “being the best human you can be”.

    Let Wednesday come and go and be done with. Let our Anissa have the rest of her life off to lounge in normal worries like the garbage disposal’s backing up and wondering whether horizontal stripes add five pounds. She’s good on “learning and growing”. She aced it.

    Meanwhile, let Peyton grow and learn to be a regular ole teenager and beyond, with two good hands for hugging her mama, driving her car, and permanently borrowing her mom’s favorite mascara.


    Jozet at Halushkis last blog post..Tuesday is Bluesday

  5. #5 Christina
    on Oct 28th, 2008 at 5:36 pm

    Oh geez, I’m so sorry you weren’t able to finish everything today and be done with it. I can’t imagine how frustrating that would be.

    I hope everything goes smoothly on Wednesday. (And no, it’s not silly to request the IV in her left hand if there’s a good vein there. I’ve always asked for IVs and shots in my left arm, so I don’t have to deal with a sore primary arm.)

    Christinas last blog post..Amazed At Democracy

  6. #6 Adventures In Babywearing
    on Oct 28th, 2008 at 5:48 pm

    Anissa, I am so sorry for this major let down today. I will be praying on my knees the next few days for you. It will be ok- I hope that it means Wednesday will be an even greater day to celebrate. Just remember to breathe if you can, and let it all out on us if need be. : )


    Adventures In Babywearings last blog post..Belle Of The Ball

  7. #7 Sammanthia
    on Oct 28th, 2008 at 6:08 pm

    You’re family is in my thoughts… I hope everything goes better on Wednesday. Keep us posted and know that she’s in a lot of prayers.

    Sammanthias last blog post..Here We Go Again

  8. #8 Holly at Tropic of Mom
    on Oct 28th, 2008 at 6:36 pm

    Geez, nothing can be easy, huh? Sending prayers….

    Holly at Tropic of Moms last blog post..When your child hits someone in the butt with chocolate…

  9. #9 Karalyn
    on Oct 28th, 2008 at 7:02 pm

    Well that sucks. I am sorry about the added stress. I will have you guys in my prayers tomorrow. Hug Peyton for me!

  10. #10 chris
    on Oct 28th, 2008 at 7:23 pm

    Darnit. Don’t know what to say. I’m sorry. Peyton sounds like an amazing little girl. We’ll remain hopeful that things go better on Wednesday…


  11. #11 Beverly
    on Oct 28th, 2008 at 7:35 pm

    I check every day for the countdown in the corner of your page…does it change by a day or two now?

    I hope there’s a huge party planned for Peyton…

    Beverlys last blog post..One for the Baby Book

  12. #12 Deb
    on Oct 28th, 2008 at 7:42 pm

    May tomorrow go as smoothly as you can hope for.

    Debs last blog post..Not much…

  13. #13 Jessica
    on Oct 28th, 2008 at 7:50 pm

    I hope all goes well tomorrow. You and Peyton will be in my thoughts.

  14. #14 Ami Czorapinski
    on Oct 29th, 2008 at 8:24 am

    But just remember that it is the end. The LAST treatment. The beginning of a healthy, cancer free life. Remember when Joshua’s needle wasn’t fully in and they gave him Vincristine and then we saw that his shirt was totally soaked. Talk about freaked out. The port will work on Wed. Prayer will fix that. We are just being reminded not to take things for granteed and to count our small blessings!

  15. #15 Jennifer
    on Oct 29th, 2008 at 9:01 am

    That sucks. I was thinking about you guys all day. Can I post a prayer request for a functioning port on my blog?

    Jennifers last blog post..I’m In Love…

  16. #16 Maria
    on Oct 29th, 2008 at 10:24 am

    Aw lady. I don’t know how you do it.

    Bless you and beautiful brave Peyton. I hope everything goes just as it needs to.

    Marias last blog post..I understand all those songs now

  17. #17 gina b
    on Oct 29th, 2008 at 5:08 pm

    I’m new here, but just want to offer you a virtual hug and a prayer for your little one. Don’t know how you do it. Take care.

    gina bs last blog post..Pregnancy, Chromosones and CHOICE

  18. #18 Mom2BJT
    on Oct 29th, 2008 at 5:18 pm

    Oh, big ((((((HUGS))))))) to both of you! I know you were looking so forward to being done with all this. Praying constantly for you guys!!!

  19. #19 Carrie
    on Oct 29th, 2008 at 9:21 pm

    Thought of you today and sent a prayer up! I hope everything went well, and from now on your biggest worry will be the boys your girls will bring home when they’re teenagers!

    Carries last blog post..There’s a Reason They’re Called Bird Brains

  20. #20 Mrs. Kitty
    on Oct 30th, 2008 at 12:34 am

    In the home stretch girl. I hope beyond hope that things go well.

    Mrs. Kittys last blog post..The evolution of the nom (nom nom nom)

  21. #21 maggie, dammit
    on Oct 30th, 2008 at 11:26 am

    I don’t know how you do it.

    Thinking of you both.