**Updated, this post was nominated for Serious.Life.Magazine by my new friend Michelle
Take this as a warning that you may not want to let your kids spend the night over at my house. Not because anything bad happened, but OH, it could have! The kind of stuff that when shared in the wrong setting makes people pick up their phones and call other people. People with badges and notebooks and big flashy things on their cars.
See, our house is really a very casually naked house. The kids run around in the nude, they take great glee at catching me unaware with a big shiny mooning. They flop around in the buff after the shower and enjoy a sweet breeze on their gibblety-bits. No big deal. We aren’t starting a commune but we don’t run from nature’s most natural state.
The danger is ME getting out of the shower and making the walk from the bathroom into the bedroom where all my clothes are. I’m just not concerned with my kids seeing me nekkid, traumatic, but no big deal.
The bad thing that happened was about two steps out of the bathroom, when I was perfectly in view from the door of my bedroom (akkk OPEN!) and I heard little boy voices in my hallway and remembered that it wasn’t just my own children psyches about to be damaged by the site of my unclothed body….but the children of my friend who had given them to me to watch over…which presumably meant returning them to her unharmed and in no NEW need of therapy.
I stood there damply shivering, completely frozen from my inner freakout.
He was going to see me!
He was going to tell him mom that he saw me!
He was probably going to tell his friends about the beastly sight that forever changed the landscape of his childhood.
He would more than likely have nightmares.
He might need medicating.
I might need medicating.
I would be labeled the “naked mom” and no one would ever let their kids play at my house ever again.
It would be a felony, right?
Would the police let me get dressed before they took my mugshot?
Yes, this is how my mind works.
Scary, no?
A split second decision was made and I took a dive across the room, neither graceful nor flattering, but putting me safely out of visual contact.
“Mom? Can we…”
“YES! YES! Whatever you want, take the car call some girls cook up some meth just DO NOT come in here!”
“Why?”
“Because I’m…I’m…folding laundry!”
The boy voices fade safely away.
Then I hear:
“Your mom is really weird.”
“Yup.”
“She doesn’t like you to see her fold clothes?”
“I don’t ask.”
He’s a smart boy.
on Oct 13th, 2008 at 10:01 am
ROFL!!!! That kind of thing is why we looked for a house with a master bathroom. I love that I can wander out of the shower nekkid and into my bedroom with out any worries. Now keeping my kids out of the bathroom while I am using it is a whole other issue.
Awesome Moms last blog post..Sunday Cuteness- Evan edition
on Oct 13th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Well, I’m a little shocked that you still let your boys see you naked! I stopped when they were about 3. To each “her” own I know. I’m not judging …really I’m not. I just wonder …well, boys don’t care if you are their mom when they get older. Did you not read my post about my stolen undies? Just something to think about woman.
Heathers last blog post..Crayons = poo
on Oct 13th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
OMG!!!! I spit soda all over my screen, now my boss knows i was goofing off…..oh well..it was worth it!!!!
Average Girls last blog post..Dear Pepsi
on Oct 13th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
This cracks me up. Things are the same in our household, pretty much. I don’t think anything about getting out of the shower, doing hair and makeup in next to nothing, with kids running around. I’ve had a few bad experiences though. Like forgetting some kid was staying the night, and strolling out of the bedroom at 6:30 a.m. (what kid gets up at 6:30 a.m.?!??!!) and running into my son’s friend who was going to the bathroom. Eeek!!!!! I near broke a leg trying to hop the couch. Needed Soma for a good week for my back after that little stunt!
Ashleys last blog post..Spelling bad words? Not a great idea.
on Oct 13th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Funny stuff!
And come to find out my daughter doesn’t believe the old “discussing bills after 11 p.m. on a Friday night” story.
Ouch!
Beverlys last blog post..This Dog
on Oct 13th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Oh….Ha! I am laughing so hard right now! Now you will be labeled as the “wacky, laundry folding” mom. Better that, than naked though, huh?
Yeah, I was never so glad to move into our new home, with my very own bathroom. up until a few months ago, we always shared – all five of us. (You know how that is). Good grief, with an 11 year old daughter who takes hour long showers, and two boys who could care less who’s in there – let’s jsut say it wasn’t fun.
I am so glad I have my own bathroom, although for some reason I still can’t walk into my bedroom naked because my kids are usually in there watching tv. I’ve just learned to take my nightgown in the bathroom with me. It’s either that or I risk the “Mom, why does your stomach look so weird?” (Oh, I don’t know, perhaps because when I was pregnant with you, you stretched it out so much, that it’ll never look right again.)
on Oct 13th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
At the least, the “naked mom” line will boost your search hits … and maybe your self-esteem.
always home and uncools last blog post..Stressing about testing
on Oct 13th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
We have issues with locking bathroom doors. Very tricky when other kids are over!
traceys last blog post..Yes, the coffee WAS decaf today… What of it?!?
on Oct 13th, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Oh, I’m so happy that I just read that. It was too funny and confirmed that I am not crazy to think that showering while my kids have friends over could be risky!
Jen Ws last blog post..OMG little brothers can be annoying
on Oct 13th, 2008 at 10:06 pm
I am laughing!!! I would have had some of the same thoughts…although I usually don’t let my own kids see me naked (i don’t even like seeing me naked!) because I am not saving enough money to pay for that much therapy for them later in life!
Normal to Natalies last blog post..Matching…
on Oct 14th, 2008 at 12:15 am
I LOVE your blog. Very funny!
Michelle Riggss last blog post..The Voice Of Adventure: OPERATION PRINCESS HAIR BEGINS!
on Oct 14th, 2008 at 6:39 am
I will forward you the bill for his therapy. :-))))) Thanks for watching them!!
Love,
Natalie
Natalies last blog post..The Dow is up, the ANC is down
on Oct 14th, 2008 at 11:09 am
This could be the funniest thing I’ve EVER read! Thanks for your awesome blog! I get my comedy fix every time I visit. I also love your posts over at 5MFSN; you really are a talented writer!
Loris last blog post..O.K. I’m going to complain…
on Oct 14th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
ROTF!!!!
S’ok hun. Breathe. LMAO.
Boston was good but my heart missed you!
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on Oct 23rd, 2008 at 1:40 pm
HILARIOUS post. I loved it. Came here after seeing your nominated blog post title….it was great. Thanks for the chuckle.
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