There was a moment, sitting in the uncomfortable pews of the historical church where we gathered to celebrate Maddie’s short life, that I thought to myself “I hope that if it’s ever Peyton, we’ll be able to say the same things Heather and Mike are saying”.
I protect myself from funerals in a very bizarre way. Every funeral I’ve attended has had an element of it…I don’t think I’d want that many flowers…I thought that was a pretty casket…the verse they chose was perfect…I hated the theatrics….blah blah blah.
I think it’s a way, and I kid you not, to separate myself from the reality of what’s happening around me. Criticize the grandmother’s dress, notice the dust on the window sills, make it about stupid trivial things, distract from the ripping pain of what is truly going on.
But something about the words being spoken during this service wouldn’t allow me to do it.
They didn’t speak of their grief and the heartbreak, although those are going to be day-by-day, hour-by-hour, second-by-second companions.
They talked about being blessed with time, no matter how limited.
They talked about the joy and laughter Maddie brought into their lives, and the lives around them, near and far.
They spoke proudly of her accomplishments, not the things she would never get a chance to do.
They shared her quirks, her charms and the shine of her personality.
They gave us peeks into their quiet times with her, the gentle moments where nothing *special* was happening, just love being strengthened.
Regrets weren’t a consideration, they knew with assurance that Maddie had lived the fullest life she could possibly have dreamed in the precious time she was given.
It was truly beautiful.
I’ve thought often…perhaps too often…about Peyton’s fragile life. The past years have ripped away any naivete about the mortality of children. And I hope that if our circumstances change and we are standing in the shoes of Mike and Heather that we are able to honestly and with complete confidence know that we gave her the best life we could…that we let her just be herself and find the things that brought her happiness.
I want to know that we laughed with our kids, that we challenged them, that they understood the depths of our love for them….that we never took for granted the gift that they are and never held back a bit of ourselves from them.
I just want to know that we live so that we’ll have no regrets.
I want to live like Maddie.
**************
HUGE thanks to Casey, Meghan, Tanis and Shannon for allowing me to have a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold and inappropriate giggles at a time I needed them most. Love, always.
on Apr 17th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
“And a special thanks to Casey for making me question my own mortality on the Riverside Dr. freeway on ramp.”
You’re welcome, and thank you for this post.
My words exactly.
xoxo
moosh in indy.s last blog post..maddie’s purple balloons.
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Mr Lady Reply:
April 17th, 2009 at 9:48 pm
PASS AVE onramp. Which I found out the hard way.
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AnissaM Reply:
April 19th, 2009 at 12:01 am
whatever! I had a sandwich at the Phoenix airport that made me question my life a lot worse than our little escapade.
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on Apr 17th, 2009 at 9:02 pm
I keep typing things and then deleting them. So *hug*
Marias last blog post..of course I’m blogging about poop
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AnissaM Reply:
April 19th, 2009 at 12:02 am
Just let it go, babe, there’s no right way or wrong way to write what’s in your heart. No matter what you post, it’ll be from your soul. XOXOX
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on Apr 17th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
This was lovely - really really lovely.
amy2boyss last blog post..Talking with Bear
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AnissaM Reply:
April 19th, 2009 at 12:03 am
Thanks, sweetie. XOXO
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on Apr 17th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
beautiful.
Jenny from Mommin’ It Up!s last blog post..The Grass Isn’t Always Greener
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on Apr 17th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
That is a truly beautiful way to live.
Fairly Odd Mothers last blog post..Keeping It Going
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AnissaM Reply:
April 19th, 2009 at 12:04 am
*hugs*
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on Apr 17th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
Oh Anissa, that was so well written and so very spot on. Thank you for sharing it all.
Vixens last blog post..If Only The World Could Stay Purple Forever
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AnissaM Reply:
April 19th, 2009 at 12:04 am
Thank YOU for taking the time to read it. XOXO
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on Apr 17th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
Anissa~ You are a treasure. You manage to put such painful, but honest thoughts into words in a beautiful way. I have no doubt you are am amazing mother - and clearly a wonderful friend.
Thanks again for chatting today -
Danielle
ExtraordinaryMommys last blog post..Remembering Maddie - Honoring Moms - Why Moms Matter
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AnissaM Reply:
April 19th, 2009 at 12:05 am
Danielle,
It means a lot to me to have a way to say some of the things about Heather and Mike and Maddie I want to…they never seem to come out of my mouth the right way, so this is my way.
I’m blessed to know them.
XOXO
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on Apr 17th, 2009 at 9:20 pm
Absolutely beautiful post Anissa.
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AnissaM Reply:
April 19th, 2009 at 12:06 am
Thank you so much, but they are beautiful people and that’s what makes it beautiful.
XOXOX
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on Apr 17th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
*sobbing* That was gorgeous. Absolutely wonderful. I love you!
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on Apr 17th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
beautiful Annisa.
OHmommys last blog post..So Awesome. FREE photo collage videos for everyone & a giveaway
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on Apr 17th, 2009 at 9:57 pm
This is lovely.
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AnissaM Reply:
April 19th, 2009 at 12:07 am
Thanks for taking the time to read it. Means a lot to me and I just can’t share my love for them enough.
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on Apr 17th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
This was beautiful, honey. Just like you. *smooch*
Mr Ladys last blog post..This Week In…
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AnissaM Reply:
April 19th, 2009 at 12:07 am
I just can’t wait for more Canadian sandwiches!
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on Apr 17th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
This was beautiful. You’re right, a great way to honor little Maddie’s short life is to live with no regrets.
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AnissaM Reply:
April 19th, 2009 at 12:08 am
It sucks that it takes moments like this to keep remembering the important things.
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on Apr 17th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
Oh Anissa…so perfectly written. Tears are just pouring.
brittanys last blog post..That will bring us back to doe…oh, oh, oh.
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on Apr 17th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
This was beautiful.
Miss Graces last blog post..Talk Nerdy To Me
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on Apr 17th, 2009 at 11:22 pm
Maddie taught me so much about laughter and living life to the fullest. There is no doubt in my mind that she had the best possible role models helping her to learn that lesson so very early in life.
The sheer number of people who love Heather, Mike and Maddie speaks volumes about the type of people they are, and the type of friends they are to others. Diamonds in the rough, each of them.
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AnissaM Reply:
April 19th, 2009 at 12:10 am
For anyone who says that blogger friendships aren’t “real” relationships, I DARE them to look at this past week and say that now.
I have been awed and humbled to see how people care, even those who don’t know them. Maddie continues to bring out the best in people.
SO glad to get to meet you!
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on Apr 17th, 2009 at 11:36 pm
so beautiful : ) *tear*
Kim ~ CraftyMamaof4s last blog post..Operation Purple Balloon Sending our Love to Maddie
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AnissaM Reply:
April 19th, 2009 at 12:10 am
Just imagine how bad I was writing it….this post brought to you by Kleenex, yo
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on Apr 17th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
Well said. Hugs, baby.
Mauras last blog post..Remembering Our Beautiful Butterfly
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AnissaM Reply:
April 19th, 2009 at 12:11 am
Love back at ya! XOXOX
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on Apr 18th, 2009 at 12:33 am
The pain is always so real no matter how much time has gone. Thanks for putting the hope in words.
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AnissaM Reply:
April 19th, 2009 at 12:11 am
Maddie will continue to teach people important lessons for a long long time.
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on Apr 18th, 2009 at 7:32 am
*sniff* *teary-eyed*
Beautiful post.
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AnissaM Reply:
April 19th, 2009 at 12:12 am
I KNOW! Me too….I’m lucky I didn’t short out my computer with all the snotting and sniffing just trying to write it. XOXOX
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on Apr 18th, 2009 at 8:38 am
here, here……….
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on Apr 18th, 2009 at 10:09 am
I think we all want to live our lives like Maddie did. Maddie has shown us all to treasure those small moments in life, the victories and the shared giggles. Thank you Anissa for reminding me of this with your beautiful words.
themaggerss last blog post..Questions and few answers
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AnissaM Reply:
April 19th, 2009 at 12:12 am
LOVE and lots of hugs, Mags!
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on Apr 18th, 2009 at 11:49 am
that was beautiful, thankyou. and your love for Peyton is obvious in your blog posts, so I’m quite sure you are giving her the fullest life you can in your ‘real’ life too.
rozs last blog post..this is why God created easter chocolate. elizabeth kubler-whatshername forgot that step.
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AnissaM Reply:
April 19th, 2009 at 12:13 am
I’m sure trying (some days are definitely easier than others, but such is life, right?). Thanks so much for your sweet words.
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on Apr 18th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
May I reiterate that I love you.
This was beautiful. Thank you for saying what so many of us feel, so very eloquently.
rachel-asouthernfairytales last blog post..Wordless and Full of Wonder
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AnissaM Reply:
April 19th, 2009 at 12:14 am
*MWAHHH!*
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on Apr 18th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
This is a beautiful post and an important reminder to be with our kids–really be with them. Because that is what matters, not the petty annoyances of everyday life, but being with and loving our kids.
Stimeys last blog post..Magic Beans
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AnissaM Reply:
April 19th, 2009 at 12:15 am
It’s just a balancing act of remembering the important things when the kids are hiding bologna in the couch. *sigh* I’m TRYING here!
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on Apr 18th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
That was perfect.
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on Apr 18th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
beautiful post… crying. it was an amazing pleasure meeting all of you women- so strong.
mayas last blog post..A Strong Wind
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AnissaM Reply:
April 19th, 2009 at 12:16 am
There was definitely strength in numbers there, thank you for being one of my new friends to help me laugh through the tears.
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on Apr 18th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
To live without regret is something I’ve strived for since I became a mom to my son and daughter. The possibility that I might lose them too soon is always lurking in the back of my mind…
I try to cherish my kids and every moment with them, to mother them as such that I will never have any regrets no matter what happens.
Thank you for this poignant post that honors little Maddie and her family so beautifully.
Caffeinatrixs last blog post..Wii Caved
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AnissaM Reply:
April 19th, 2009 at 12:17 am
I know with your recent scare you know better than most….every moment is PRECIOUS…you just never know.
XOXOX
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on Apr 18th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
You gave me goosebumps. Wonderful post.
MotherOfBuns last blog post..Ten Years Ago Today…
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AnissaM Reply:
April 19th, 2009 at 12:18 am
*hugs* back at ya!
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on Apr 19th, 2009 at 11:44 pm
I think you’re a great friend for going across the country to celebrate Maddie’s life and share in the joy her parents had while she was with them. Hugs….
Holly at Tropic of Moms last blog post..Prenatal vitamins can be hazardous to your health*
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on Apr 20th, 2009 at 3:43 am
*sob*
What a beautiful post!
I play the same mind games at funerals that you do. (Someone really should tell that woman she has a big hole in the back of her nylons… That woman is totally singing off key… If the guy next to me breathes on me with his dragon breath ONE MORE TIME, I will sit on him and shove a whole thing of mints down his throat!)
I have one little 6 year old boy who is a great kid; my whole world. But before my sweet 6 year old son, there was one who didn’t make it. One that I didn’t even get the chance to know. I try and live everyday remembering there isn’t a guarantee of a tomorrow. It’s an important way to live. Your post really hit home with that. Maddie’s death was a huge reminder of how we need to live our lives.
I wish that more people didn’t take life for granted…
Andrea Neumans last blog post..Love is Love people… Love is Love!
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on Apr 21st, 2009 at 4:06 pm
What a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing, Anissa, in a way that made me smile and cry at the same time.
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on Apr 26th, 2009 at 12:07 am
[...] your lives and you feel so close to our family through this blog, I felt the same about Maddie. I never got to meet her, I never got to touch her curls or make her laugh (oh and we WOULD have laughed until one of us [...]