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My final wishes

Sitting in a hospital tonight with my husband, listening to the sound of his father’s restless stirring and the mechanical beeps that are uniquely hospital-driven, it reminded me that I have already laid down the law on my funeral.

And before you sit there and scratch your head thinking I’m really weird for having preferences about my funeral at thirty-five years old, just remember that I’ve had a LOT of time to think about my wishes.

Let’s see: I had a stroke at thirty, a toddler with cancer, more funerals in the last two years than I ever thought I’d attend in my lifetime, my mother’s pulmonary embolisms, my father’s open heart surgery and my father-in-laws myriad issues.

Sort of makes you glad you’re not me, doesn’t it?


Ya’ll are just lucky I haven’t turned into a cutter.

I’ve had time to think about death and how I want mine to go and Peter has totally agreed to do it my way, should I go first.

Acting like it was such a generous thing.

DUDE, if I’m dead the least you can do is stick with the freaking plan!

And not to be terribly inappropriate at a time when Pete’s dad is so very sick (but really, how else would I be?), I know that I want my funeral to be a time of laughter.  I have made it a point to face the crap life has thrown us with a smile as often as we can.

I truly believe if you can’t find something to laugh about there’s just no reason to go on.

If you can’t find ONE reason to laugh at my funeral, I really don’t want you there.

So, in keeping with my last wishes, MY husband knows how I want it to go down and I will share it with you all so that you can make sure if I get hit by a falling piano tomorrow that he does it right.

I gave him ONE MILE to plan a Rube Goldberg device.

Sort of like this, but with a casket that drops into the ground at the end.

Yeah, and tell me that wouldn’t just about be the BEST funeral you ever went to!

And it sort of makes you wish I’d die JUST so you can see how it would work, doesn’t it?

It’s ok, I’m a little ticked off that I won’t be there to see it happen.

16 Comments on “My final wishes”

  1. #1 MonsteRawr
    on May 5th, 2009 at 7:29 am

    That would be the best friggin funeral EVER! Except that after the casket drops into the ground, a sign should pop up on a stick that says, “Later, bitches!” Might as well go out with class, right?

    MonsteRawrs last blog post..Every Love Story Begins With Dessert

  2. #2 just mom
    on May 5th, 2009 at 8:09 am

    Ooooh, that Rube Goldberg idea is the coolest! Can I borrow that for my funeral? I mean, not to steal your idea or anything. But I’ve got to find some way to go out with a bang and all.

    Since you won’t be there to enjoy your funeral, maybe somebody could videotape it so you can watch it lat. . . oh yeah. Nvrmnd. 😛

  3. #3 GhtoPrincess
    on May 5th, 2009 at 5:47 pm

    And I thought it was just me that had a plan for my funeral. Unfortunately I’m at work so I can’t actually see your device up there…but let me share my plan:

    There’s going to be a dress code – all black or you don’t get in. I want to keep it classy people! No crazy Cosby sweaters!!

    Then the other day I realized it would be incredibly funny if, instead of being in a casket they had me just sitting up in a chair, possibly giving a peace sign and wearing shades. Awesome.

  4. #4 Shelley Clements
    on May 5th, 2009 at 8:48 pm

    I guess I need to work on mine, jazz it up a bit. I’ve had mine all planned out, too. My grandmother and I discuss it all the time. (Both of ours. She keeps changing the music she wants played, but that’s really as exciting as it gets.)

    Now, let’s see your obituary. Wasn’t it The Wonder Years (I dunno how to underline here) where Kevin was given the assignment to write his own obituary, I think in middle school? I don’t have mine written, but I do think about it from time to time. I think the MOST important thing is that I go ahead and choose the pictures I want. Jason would totally suck that up. Music, he’d probably screw that one up, too. I’m sure you are up to speed with little Baby Leo, I have been reading Lori’s blog and I am so relieved to see that his tests came back okay. There, now there’s something not-funeral-or-death-related for you to think about….how much longer are you stayin’ up north?

  5. #5 Amo
    on May 5th, 2009 at 10:02 pm

    I love it!

    You could have the casket drop and the top open with you sitting up.

    Feel free to add that to your plan.

    Amos last blog post..To get my mind off ALL the batman underwear I’ve had to wash in the past 3 hours despite the fact I’ve reminded him EVERY 30 MINUTES to GO POTTY…

  6. #6 Karalyn
    on May 6th, 2009 at 12:38 am

    The only plan for my funeral I have is that I want a bouncer type guy at the door to keep out people who didn’t bother with me in life but now want to go all tragedy-whore because I’m dead. I will have a list and if you’re not on it you’re not getting in. Just tryin’ to keep it real.

    Karalyns last blog post..Christopher

  7. #7 Dawn
    on May 6th, 2009 at 3:46 am

    Trust you to come up with a Rube Goldberg device! If Pete does manage to make it a mile long then I just might have to cross the Atlantic to watch you go out with a bang. But please don’t plan on making it anytime soon – I don’t think I can afford it just yet!

    Hope Pete’s dad is doing a bit better.

  8. #8 Brittany
    on May 6th, 2009 at 10:33 am

    First of all…I am sending you tsunami waves of health for you and your family, I mean…you all deserve it!

    Secondly..yes…that would be a bad ass funeral. I feel like I would need to tape and youtube it…but is that wrong?

  9. #9 Ashley Hast
    on May 6th, 2009 at 12:37 pm

    This is awesome. Assuming I’m still alive at the time, I’m coming to pay my respects. And If I’m not, I’m forwarding this to my family so they can see how to through a real going-out party!

    Ashley Hasts last blog post..Please move on. Nothing to see here. Do NOT look at the accident.

  10. #10 Caffeinatrix
    on May 7th, 2009 at 12:19 am

    I’m donating my organs (assuming anyone would want them) and then I’m getting cremated. And the party that my husband has been instructed to throw will be teh awesome. But if you die first, I’m TOTALLY coming to see your Rube Goldberg device.

    Caffeinatrixs last blog post..Alive. ALIVE!

  11. #11 Peter Mayhew
    on May 7th, 2009 at 7:40 am

    I’m going to use the new shed to start storing the parts for this thing.

  12. #12 E
    on May 7th, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    Glad you admitted that this post is “totally inappropriate”. You really pushed the envelope WAY TO FAR on this one.

    Hope Peter’s dad gets well soon.

  13. #13 Issa
    on May 7th, 2009 at 8:26 pm

    Holy crap Anissa, can I come? Serious, I promise to laugh.

    Sadly, I have had this conversation lately. My idea wasn’t nearly as cool. Re-thinking funeral plans as I type.

    To whoever told you earlier you were being inappropriate, they can shove it. Life isn’t easy (some times it just sucks donkey balls) and you can either cry about it all the time or you can learn to laugh. Laughter is a medicine stronger than any drug I happen to be on right now.

    Issas last blog post..Maybe ice cream is magical?

  14. #14 E
    on May 8th, 2009 at 6:33 pm

    Issa, Anissa suggested that she was being in appropriate, so you can “shove it”.

  15. #15 Jennifer
    on May 11th, 2009 at 12:00 pm

    In your spare time, you should have Mayhew’s Most Marvelous Memorable Mortuary Ministrations. You could offer different packages, locations and just general funky-ness. I’ll sign up now.

  16. #16 WM
    on May 14th, 2009 at 2:31 pm

    Mine will most likely be in the middle of a dance floor at a nightclub. I think I’ll ask all the attendees to wear sequins.

    There’s no way they can’t be upbeat then.

    Srsly tho, I’m with you. No Debbie downers. Expressing grief is certainly ok but let remember the happy times and celebrate my life !!!

    WMs last blog post..Sexis…Enlightening (NSFW)