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It’s what I do

Yesterday I posted about Blissdom and how it made me to feel to be a part of the blogging community.

But before I was a part of THAT community, I was a reluctant part of another…the community of cancer families.

So much of my blogging has been about having a child with cancer.  It’s who I am. There have been a lot of laughs and funny little stories and amusing moments to share, but there was always the underlying message that my daughter had cancer and it touched every part of my life.

I spent a weekend in Nashville, pretending to be just like everyone else…pushing through the pain…choosing to spend those days in denial.

Denial that another child had died.

Early Friday I huddled in a bathroom stall feeling my heart break into a million shards as I thought about Jessica and the battle she’d fought, the strength her tiny six-year-old body had shown in the face of a cancer that didn’t want to let go. I thought of her mother and the unspeakable emotions she had to be feeling.  I wept for the understanding of what was ahead, the pain this would bring me when I let it…knowing another child died…attending another funeral with an obscenely small casket…the fear that one day it would be us.

Part of me wanted to just get on a plane and come home.  To NOT have to smile and laugh and talk and make with the merry…it seemed too much.

Part of me relished the fact that I had these moments to hide away from the pain for just a little while longer…I wanted to give myself time.

Now I have no choice but to face it all.

Today I have to go to a wake and face my worst nightmare, be there with all the others to show a mother that her daughter was loved and made a difference, touched lives…that she won’t ever be forgotten.

It’s what I do.

Jessica Rose Kohut

Jessica Rose Kohut

12/31/02 – 02/06/09

20 Comments on “It’s what I do”

  1. #1 Amo
    on Feb 11th, 2009 at 8:41 am

    Oh, honey. I am so very sorry. I wish I knew what to tell you, but I don’t. I can’t imagine your daily strife or pain. Please know that this strange woman with an equally odd sense of humor is here for you.

    It is, after all, the ‘other’ community you in. We are ALL here to support you; especially on a day like this.

    Peace be with you.

    Amos last blog post..Why I don’t deserve to be let out in public…and other embarrassing stories.

  2. #2 Lucie @ Unconventional Origins
    on Feb 11th, 2009 at 9:18 am

    Oh Anissa I am so sorry. Ill be thinking of you, your family, and Jessica all day long. I can never understand what you and Jessica’s parents go through having a child with cancer, but as a fellow mom I know you love your kids with a fierceness not everyone can understand. There are no right words for this, only support, and girl I got your back! Love you!

    Lucie @ Unconventional Originss last blog post..The Step-mom shuffle

  3. #3 Sarah @ Ordinary Days
    on Feb 11th, 2009 at 9:48 am

    Anissa, I am so sorry to hear about Jessica. I’ll keep her, her family and you and yours in my prayers. ::hugs::

    Sarah @ Ordinary Dayss last blog post..Back From Blissdom

  4. #4 Maria
    on Feb 11th, 2009 at 10:29 am

    I’m so sorry, lady. You have a strength that I am absolutely in awe of.

    Marias last blog post..wordless – I see you

  5. #5 Chris
    on Feb 11th, 2009 at 10:31 am

    I’m so sorry. My deepest sympathies. – Chris

  6. #6 Kyla
    on Feb 11th, 2009 at 10:36 am

    I’m so sorry. It shouldn’t happen and I hate that it does.

    Kylas last blog post..Monkeying around

  7. #7 threeundertwo
    on Feb 11th, 2009 at 12:55 pm

    I’m so sorry. Such a sweet little girl.

    Does it make sense if I say that you take a little bit of me with you? You stand for many who can’t be there, and I hope you tell the family that too.

    Special place in heaven. For you. I’m just sayin. This is some heavy work.

    threeundertwos last blog post..Wordful Wednesday: Music

  8. #8 brittany
    on Feb 11th, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    I love ya Anissa, and I am so very sorry.

    brittanys last blog post..And enough.

  9. #9 Madissen
    on Feb 11th, 2009 at 4:34 pm

    When I first saw this on myspace I was so upset that Cancer stole another Child away. She was a verey brave girl…She will forever be remembered and loved!

    R.I.P Sweet Jessica Rose

    My thoughts & Prayers are with your family sweet Angel…

    Aswell as all the Cancer families….

  10. #10 Fear and Parenting i
    on Feb 11th, 2009 at 6:04 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss honey. Please extend the well wishes and sympathy from your blogging community to your the childhood cancer community.


  11. #11 The Lassie
    on Feb 11th, 2009 at 6:16 pm

    I am so so so so sorry, Anissa.

  12. #12 Shelley
    on Feb 11th, 2009 at 6:59 pm

    I HATE that anyone ever has to endure losing a child to cancer! Words fail me. But please tell Jessie’s family that they are in the thoughts and prayers of many people who wish only peace for them and their special angel.

    Oh, and hugs to you. You have strength that most of us can only envy.

  13. #13 Musing
    on Feb 11th, 2009 at 9:02 pm

    My heart hurts for Jessie’s family. So very sad.

  14. #14 CheekySweetie
    on Feb 11th, 2009 at 11:06 pm

    I’ll be thinking of and praying for everyone who is missing little Jessica. After reading her mother’s journal, Jessica’s courage is inspiring. If she can face the unknown with that kind of valor, I feel confident I can face anything that comes along in my life-all minor issues in comparison to her struggle.

    CheekySweeties last blog post..Getting There ~ #Blissdom09

  15. #15 The Stiletto Mom
    on Feb 12th, 2009 at 10:20 am

    I’m so sorry….I don’t even know this sweet baby and my heart is just breaking for her family. Your strength amazes me lady, none of this showed on your face this weekend.

    The Stiletto Moms last blog post..15 Years Ago Today…

  16. #16 BlapherMJ
    on Feb 12th, 2009 at 11:13 am

    I’m so sorry to hear this. I’m keeping you and the entire cancer community in my prayers. I know how hard this is….

    BlapherMJs last blog post..Thursdays Thoughts

  17. #17 Random is how I roll | Hope4Peyton
    on Feb 13th, 2009 at 9:16 am

    […] still just really drained from being gone all weekend and the wake/funeral for Jessica the past two days.  I need some time to get my brain on straight.  I’m sort of just hiding […]

  18. #18 ExtraordinaryMommy
    on Feb 13th, 2009 at 5:46 pm

    I am so very sorry, Anissa. Since I didn’t know you before this past weekend, I knew nothing of your personal struggle. I will keep you and your family, as well as Jessica’s family in my prayers. And thank you again for reaching out to offer comfort to my girlfriend!

  19. #19 Rick Bucich
    on Feb 14th, 2009 at 12:23 am

    It wasn’t until I became a parent that I could grasp the anguish. And I’m sure I can’t even approach mentally what it’s really like.

    Our hearts are with everyone who must face this horrible experience.

    Rick Bucichs last blog post..Friday Favorites: Baby Shower Invitations

  20. #20 What would YOU do for a Klondike bar? | Hope4Peyton
    on Feb 17th, 2009 at 8:52 am

    […] This is what I do. […]