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How to ensure your realtor will report you to Child Protective Services

*I would like to just preface this entire post with the details that the night before we went on this house-hunting extraveganza the kids got into bed at almost 12:30 in the AM and they were all feeling more than a LITTLE stab-y the next day during our precious time with the realtor.  After turning an 8 hour trip into an 11 hour travesty, I had a fair share of the psychotic tendencies as well.

If you’re really lucky, the next segment in this series will be “How to ensure your real estate lawyer also becomes your divorce lawyer”*

1.  Repeatedly, and sometimes vehemently, threaten your children with being left behind in the one of the empty, creepy, non-heated nor water-capable houses through which you’ve been tromping…with accompanied shaking of fist or evil wringing of hands.

2.  Completely blow a gasket and have yelling fit that nearly leaves child in fetal position on the ground after realizing that said child has left a door open on the van while you’ve been touring a home.  During south Atlanta’s best attempts to pretend it is actually, in fact, Seattle…or perhaps day 39 of 40 in Noah’s little ark story…which results in complete soaking of the entire passenger back seat and carpeting and two boxes of Girl Scout cookies that you neither needed or wanted, but felt compelled to buy because the mom who yelled at her daughter for crying about how cold it was in front of the Chili’s near Sylvester, GA at 9:45 PM needed to have HER ass handed to her, and my only real recourse was to buy some of her stinking cookies and hopefully get her home in a warm house sooner rather than later….because I? AM A LOVING MOTHER! SHUT THE DOOR NEXT TIME or I will force you to ride the entire trip back to Florida strapped to the luggage rack!

3.  Continue mumbling under your breath how badly you are in need of an alcoholic beverage.

4.  Take a fall down a flight of stairs that exhibits the sort of grace usually reserved for the Russian Ballet *snort*, maintain sprawled position on stairs because pain is so severe that you fear you may have punctured a kidney or shattered your elbow. Try to get children to stop comforting you with their loving yet excruciating hugs by giving them a distraction, but later realize you may or may not have yelled at them to “not touch me, go find something to do, count power outlets or bathrooms, just leave me alone!”

5.  Discover from looking at realtor’s expression that perhaps she does not, in all honestly, find it humorous when I lure my children into a closet, slam the door shut and flicker the lights on and off….killjoy.

6.  Send loud, shrieking children to their ROOMS! In a strange house. That is not ours. And is empty. And the children actually turn and go hide out in bedrooms.

7.  Motion to somewhat eerie, random, under-the-stairs storage spot and try to convince child that this IS IN FACT the bedroom ALL HER OWN that we’d promised her.  Come on, everyone’s seen Harry Potter, right?  We all know you can live in one of those and still come out pretty sane and emotionally stable.  Right?  RIGHT?

I d believe that there is a fair chance that our realtor’s sudden burst of high-power, laser-intense home-showing prowess, that has resulted in an offer being made on a house that will not be disclosed, shown or SQUEEE’d about until such date that closing has occurred and keys are in hand, is directly proportional to her complete lack of desire to spend one more day with the CRAZEEEE lady and her brood.

I’m just saying.

But the house? Perfect and I can’t wait to BE able to share it with you.

I tease.  I know it sucks.

40 Comments on “How to ensure your realtor will report you to Child Protective Services”

  1. #1 Velma
    on Mar 16th, 2009 at 9:36 am

    Hysterical! Aren’t you glad that day is over? 🙂

    Velmas last blog post..I Can See The End Of This Long Road But I’m Not There Yet.

  2. #2 Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]
    on Mar 16th, 2009 at 9:42 am

    Wait. I didn’t realize you were moving to friggin Atlanta! (Maybe I should go back into the archives.) I better meet you here in Orlando before you move!

    Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]s last blog post..Weekly Winners 3.8.9 – 3.14.9

  3. #3 Jen
    on Mar 16th, 2009 at 9:47 am

    I think you should get an award for not hurting them, house hunting was bad enough with a husband in tow (hence why I left him at home most of the time) I can’t imagine doing it with children in tow. Hope all goes well with this house!

    Jens last blog post..Imagine me blushing…

  4. #4 Apryl's Antics
    on Mar 16th, 2009 at 9:55 am

    I feel you on this. I got the stink-eye from the lady who was measuring my kitchen for cabinets. When my 4 year-old daughter let my then 2 year-old son outside in our new neighborhood, I guess it wasn’t appropriate to shout “I’m gonna kill you!”

    Needless to say, my daughter is almost 8 and we never ended up buying cabinets from that lady. All’s well that ends well.

  5. #5 Apryl's Antics
    on Mar 16th, 2009 at 9:57 am

    BTW, forgot to mention I’m a Florida to Atlanta transplant myself.

  6. #6 MonsteRawr
    on Mar 16th, 2009 at 10:24 am

    I’m just impressed that your kids are well trained enough to go to their room in a house that’s not yours. Shit, I can’t even get my cats to come when I call.

    MonsteRawrs last blog post..YOU’RE NOT FUNNY, SETH MACFARLANE!

  7. #7 kp
    on Mar 16th, 2009 at 10:28 am

    Oh Anissa…..I LOVE you! I’m just happy to know I am not alone!

  8. #8 Mary Murray
    on Mar 16th, 2009 at 1:28 pm

    Great, I know it’s going to be bad house hunting, was trying to tell myself it wouldn’t be. I can see your experience in my very near future.

  9. #9 Brittany
    on Mar 16th, 2009 at 3:26 pm

    OMG that was hilarious. I house shopped this last time with a 1 year old and an infant, and I about shot myself in the face…but you have me beat sweetie!

    Brittanys last blog post..Even I know I suck.

  10. #10 Kyla
    on Mar 16th, 2009 at 3:54 pm

    Man, I can’t imagine house shopping with my kids…but it might just look something like this!

    Kylas last blog post..I could write…

  11. #11 Ashley Hast
    on Mar 16th, 2009 at 4:12 pm

    Call me crazy, but those sound like things I say or do on a daily basis. 🙂

  12. #12 Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas
    on Mar 16th, 2009 at 4:12 pm

    Congrats on the house and I had one of those “is beer o’clock yet?” days yesterday. Belly up to the bar, sista. What’s your poison?

    Fear and Parenting in Las Vegass last blog post..Photo Phinish Phriday: Part I

  13. #13 Janna
    on Mar 16th, 2009 at 5:33 pm

    Your angst was so palpable (and hilarious) that I was feeling my own angst while reading! It may be because I can sooo relate (not to the moving but the out-of-control children in front of a “stranger”).

    Fingers crossed and prayers muttered for a happy house ending!!!

    Jannas last blog post..No IKEA for Me…

  14. #14 Joanne
    on Mar 17th, 2009 at 8:18 am

    That is some funny $hit, girl. Thanks for the morning humor…

  15. #15 Cherie
    on Mar 17th, 2009 at 8:41 am

    Hilarious post! Thanks for the smiles this morning.

    Cheries last blog post..Don’t FORGET about QoF Give Aways!

  16. #16 Amo
    on Mar 17th, 2009 at 9:07 am

    We went through many, many house-hunting trips that were EXACTLY like that.

    My favorite moment was when the realtor took us to a retirement community that didn’t specify themselves. All the old people were looking out their lacy curtains as my 5yo peed on the front bushes.

    I’m sure my screaming, “I WILL LEAVE YOU IN THE CAR NEXT TIME, DON’T THINK I WON’T!” probably didn’t help the situation…

    Amos last blog post..And yet these people keep talking to me…

  17. #17 JD
    on Mar 17th, 2009 at 12:56 pm

    Girl, you’re making me thank my lucky stars that the kids aren’t coming with me in two weeks to house hunt clear on the other side of the continent, ‘cuz if the all-day-flying wasn’t enough with three kids, the 5-days-straight of house hunting would be!!

    Actually, we didn’t take them because we didn’t want them to influence us either way. And they have school and all. And we need a vacation — oops, did I hint at the fact that we’re considering this as a vacation? Don’t tell his boss….

  18. #18 AnissaM
    on Mar 17th, 2009 at 11:55 pm

    Yet, every day I’m starting to feel like Bill Murray in Groundhog’s Day. When will it end?

  19. #19 AnissaM
    on Mar 17th, 2009 at 11:57 pm

    Yeah, girl! I’m desperate to get to OTown this weekend to meet up.

  20. #20 AnissaM
    on Mar 18th, 2009 at 12:04 am

    Really? They were ok for the first two househunting trips, but by now, they’ve HAD it….I’ve HAD it….we are DONE! Toasty fried and completely brown through the middle, done.

  21. #21 Angie
    on Mar 18th, 2009 at 12:24 am

    OMG, I am crying with laughter! I truly hope there’s another installment coming on the realtor becoming your divorce lawyer. Too funny! Good luck on the home offer and subsequent move!

    Angies last blog post..How to Speak Southern

  22. #22 rachel-asouthernfairytale
    on Mar 18th, 2009 at 8:41 pm

    I love you 😉 LOL. This sounds eerily similar to how we house hunt 😉
    love it!!!

  23. #23 AnissaM
    on Mar 20th, 2009 at 12:02 am

    I don’t even know what I’m doing. That whole thought that I want the kids to like the house we move to sounds GREAT and MOTHERLY and all that crap, until one of them rams their head into a wall for fun.

  24. #24 AnissaM
    on Mar 20th, 2009 at 12:03 am

    Dude, she made it 6 more years? WOW. I’m so impressed and inspired by your self-control. Drop me a line when you do finally snap.

  25. #25 AnissaM
    on Mar 20th, 2009 at 12:04 am

    From WHERE to WHERE?

  26. #26 AnissaM
    on Mar 20th, 2009 at 12:05 am

    They live in fear.

    It works better for us all that way.

    I threatened my son in front of friends tonight, “I’m gonna punch you in the kidney, boy!” He says back to me, “You have to sleep sometime, and then vengeance is mine.”


  27. #27 AnissaM
    on Mar 20th, 2009 at 12:06 am

    Every day i’m lucky someone does not report me. At the end of the day, I consider it a win if I’m not filling out reports with a social worker!

  28. #28 AnissaM
    on Mar 20th, 2009 at 12:06 am

    Yeah, call me, we can share a bottle of wine over the phone and commiserate how much it sucks to have to househunt with kids.

  29. #29 AnissaM
    on Mar 20th, 2009 at 12:07 am

    Yeah, laugh it up!

    Just see who stops answering her phone when you go house-hunting the next time. Babysit? Me? NO NEVER!

  30. #30 AnissaM
    on Mar 20th, 2009 at 12:08 am

    Just don’t.
    Take my word for it.
    Save yourself the pain and bloodshed.
    Don’t do it.

  31. #31 AnissaM
    on Mar 20th, 2009 at 12:08 am

    And THAT’s why I love you!

  32. #32 AnissaM
    on Mar 20th, 2009 at 12:09 am

    Just pour them ALL in a blender and put it on “coma-inducing”. does that work for you?

  33. #33 AnissaM
    on Mar 20th, 2009 at 12:10 am

    I just don’t get it. I feed them, clothe them, let them watch the shiny box with the funny people in it…and yet they turn on me like rabid beasts in a flash. Makes me sad really.

  34. #34 AnissaM
    on Mar 20th, 2009 at 12:10 am

    Glad my pain is your morning giggle.


  35. #35 AnissaM
    on Mar 20th, 2009 at 12:11 am

    THAT makes me feel so much better! that is the one thing they didn’t do and I’m not even going to mention it to them…EVER. The last thing they need are fresh ideas.

  36. #36 AnissaM
    on Mar 20th, 2009 at 12:12 am

    Nah, I can’t see getting divorced. I don’t want to have to house-hunt anymore. We’ll be like War of the Roses, both of us willing to die in the house so we don’t have to move again.

  37. #37 AnissaM
    on Mar 20th, 2009 at 12:13 am

    Seriously! Why is househunting so much like a new baby? It sounds like a great idea, you dream about the end product…then you remember all the crap that goes into actually getting there…BAH!

  38. #38 Apryl's Antics
    on Mar 20th, 2009 at 9:05 am

    I moved from the Tampa Bay Area (Temple Terrace, Hyde Park, and then Clearwater) to (Marietta and currently Canton where I’ve lived for 12 years) There are a lot of great deals in GA right now (and probably everywhere else, no doubt). I like Canton, but it is in the suburbs about 50 minutes north of ATL.

  39. #39 Apryl's Antics
    on Mar 20th, 2009 at 9:06 am

    Expect to hear from me on Tuesday.

  40. #40 Megan (mommyesquire)
    on Mar 22nd, 2009 at 9:39 pm

    As a real estate lawyer, I’m offended. I would never, ever be a divorce lawyer! Kidding 🙂

    As far as house hunting goes, I find crying and carrying on to be a very useful negotiating tool – but only with my husband.