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What do you mean toilet paper isn’t considered a necessity?

Peter and I caught a show called Man vs. Wild on the Discovery Channel (I KNOW! Like watching the smartzy stuff, no Sci-Fi channel or bemoaning the fact that Grey’s Anatomy doesn’t start for another couple of weeks, aren’t you proud of us?).

We were intrigued when the guy, Bear Grylls…who’s kind of hot in an oozing testosterone and manliness out of his pores kind of way, IF you’re into that whole macho thing….poked around at a 6-foot alligator with a stick.  We didn’t yet know the premise of the show, or WHY he was poking at an alligator with a stick while mumbling about how it could totally kill him, make him suffer a painful and excruciating death, and how if you had half a brain you would never TRY.THIS.AT.HOME.

AS IF!  I once nearly killed myself trying to get away from a frog, I don’t think going out of my way to tick off an animal famous for a move called ” the death roll” is gonna be happening any time soon.

The next thing you know, Bear is hopping on the alligator’s back and telling us how to most efficiently kill the alligator before it kills you.  ON ITS BACK!  Did I mention that this was a 6-foot swamp gator in the bayou in New Orleans?  Just hopped on it’s back like it was a pony….a pony that had its spinal cord severed 12 seconds later by the exceptionally sharp and scary knife he carries around.

Then he slung the dead animal over his shoulder and trotted off with it, talking about what a good eat it was going to be.

Nom Nom Nom.

Yeah.  Why, again?

I have no idea.

We finally got the premise of the show and all became clear (while still mildly insane). Bear gets dropped off into the middle of nowhere with nothing but his knife and has to Rambo his way out of there, finding food, water, shelter and protecting himself from whatever wild things might want to maul eviscerate hurt him.

During this one episode he:

  • Produced fire with his knife
  • Killed, gutted and ate the alligator
  • Rubbed the alligator fat all over his skin because it apparently repels mosquitoes like some form of bayou OFF
  • Made a bed up in a tree with nothing some sticks and Spanish moss
  • Built a raft to cross a snake and alligator infested river….out of some rotted wooden planks
  • Used his HAND as bait for a 20 pound catfish to nibble on…which he then gutted and ate raw
  • Peed on himself (an ongoing theme) when his hand is nicked with poison…and I mean PEED ON PURPOSE, not because he freaked out and peed himself accidentally the way I would
  • Navigated his way out of the bayou based on things l like slope of the land and tree moss

Did I ever tell you about the time I got lost in a Wal-mart parking lot?  20 minutes, people!

Ok, class, let’s see if we can figure out where this man lost his mind.  Was it before or after he rubbed alligator cellulite on his forehead or perhaps the minute he chose to stick his entire hand into the base of a rotted tree under water, hoping a fish and not a gator BIT.HIS.FINGERS!

It could not be more clear, more perfectly defined than during the watching of this show that should the end of days come and we are reduced to scavenging and foraging in the wilds for survival, I will be:

  • The person rationing out the Skittles as life sustaining nutrition
  • Suddenly vegetarian
  • Frantically looking for a copy of “The Wilderness Survival Guide”, and if unable to be found, a copy of the final book in Stephen King’s gunslinger series, which I’ve yet to finish…so it would seem like a good time to stay busy, right?
  • Hanging out by a Dick’s Sporting Goods store, as it seems a likely place to find weapons and outdoorsy, survival-y necessities…like sunscreen and chapstick
  • Over here, NOT peeing on myself
  • Utterly and completely useless

This is my idea of “roughing it” and it had better come with running water and electrical hookups.

16 Comments on “What do you mean toilet paper isn’t considered a necessity?”

  1. #1 Jen W
    on Sep 16th, 2008 at 10:27 pm

    I love Man vs. Wild! Bear is so H-O-T. But I totally agree that I would be pretty worthless under those circumstances as well. My idea of roughing it is staying at the Marriott!

  2. #2 Marie
    on Sep 16th, 2008 at 10:32 pm

    Well I just peed on myself, but that was from laughing so hard at this post, not from any kind of weird survival tactic.

  3. #3 Normal to Natalie
    on Sep 16th, 2008 at 10:37 pm

    oh i am laughing so hard right now!

    and your idea of roughing it is even adventurous as far as i am concerned. see, my hubs is 6’4″ and about 240 lbs. when he walks around in one of those it is like being out at sea! not my idea of much fun….but it is better than me taking on the wild!

    Normal to Natalies last blog post..Tell All Tuesday – Week 23

  4. #4 Tracy P
    on Sep 16th, 2008 at 10:43 pm

    I saw part of that show when my hubby was watching it (which he does a lot-I guess to be prepared??)-I just saw Bear putting his hand in the hole “noodling”-I had to ask for the explanation of that-never mind what I thought.
    I had to leave the room when he ate the catfish raw and went to pee on himself-
    Way past my comfort zone!

    Tracy Ps last blog post..Friday Night H. S. Football on Monday Night

  5. #5 Mishel
    on Sep 16th, 2008 at 11:38 pm

    Yup. That’s my idea there too. Actually, my idea, but only if in my dreams I won the lottery:), my camper would be superhuge (like a celebs tour bus) and have my own personal driver:) A girl can dream right?!?!

  6. #6 Melisa
    on Sep 17th, 2008 at 7:23 am

    I hate to tell you, but we have a sore spot for that show in this house: it was discovered a year or two ago by someone in the media that Bear Grylls was actually, after the cameras turned off, leaving the wilderness to go and stay in a comfy hotel.

    Want to watch a real Survivorman? Watch Survivorman. He is AWESOME.

    But I’m with you; ick!

    Melisas last blog post..Thanks For Stopping In! Now, LEAVE!

  7. #7 always home and uncool
    on Sep 17th, 2008 at 8:17 am

    Gator really does taste like chicken but I’m sure it tastes even better when you kill it yourself.

    always home and uncools last blog post..Her Body, My Self

  8. #8 Sarah Clapp
    on Sep 17th, 2008 at 8:57 am

    This is so funny! I love the show “Survivorman, but hope I’m never in a situation that requires me to know that I shouldn’t eat the head of a slug, because they are poison.

    Sarah Clapps last blog post..Vote For Katie!

  9. #9 threeundertwo
    on Sep 17th, 2008 at 10:10 am

    My idea of roughing it? A hotel with no room service.

    threeundertwos last blog post..A Picture of Me and All About My Kids

  10. #10 DC Urban Dad
    on Sep 17th, 2008 at 11:13 am

    My wife refuses to watch the show because of what he eats. I have seen Bear dig into a fresh trout caught 2 seconds earlier. Yeah, if I ever end up in the wild I am toast.

  11. #11 Gwendolyn
    on Sep 17th, 2008 at 11:14 am

    Oh my! I think we are twins separated at birth. My husband teases me that I am quite possibly the last person on earth that should go on “Survivor”.
    I’m so glad I came here. I needed a good laugh this morning after I had to start my blog all over again because the internet ate it. Argh.

  12. #12 Debbie
    on Sep 17th, 2008 at 3:05 pm

    Oh yeah, I’m with you in the camper! I may not know the difference between a mushroom and a poisonous one, but I would hope that I know enough, NOT to pee on myself…lol!

    Vegetarian, yeah, there would be no RAW fish in my diet. Tree bark would look pretty appetizing, and I heard somewhere that you CAN eat dandelions – although I’m still not convinced that I want to.

    I do know one thing – I would be saving the little pack of tissues in my purse, for those BIG bathroom breaks…ha!

  13. #13 Lori
    on Sep 17th, 2008 at 10:50 pm

    I’m lovin Bear! I lay in my bed at night dreaming I’m on a plane with Bear, and it’s going to crash, and we have to jump out, and we’re flying over the Amazon, and my parachute won’t open, and Bear has to hang on to me, and we have to land together…all alone…and…


    Loris last blog post..She’s Turning Six…

  14. #14 Dan Cohen
    on Sep 18th, 2008 at 12:10 am

    I could not kill an animal.

    But let’s just focus on poking the alligator. Anissa… you were able to handle this gigantic tarantula… sorry, she has a name: Rosie.

    Back to the story. So you were able to handle Rosie and yet a little 6 ft alligator is scary???


    Dan Cohen
    North Miami Beach, FL

  15. #15 Nicole
    on Sep 18th, 2008 at 2:21 am

    Sometimes I feel like I should watch more bad TV so I care write funny posts, but I cannot do them justince. Hilarious! If you ever read Bill Bryson, he mentions drinking pee in a lot of his books 🙂

    Nicoles last blog post..The Vegan Lifestyle, Day 2

  16. #16 jen
    on Sep 18th, 2008 at 12:08 pm

    that show completely grosses me out. but…i love his name. did you know his name is actually theodore…but he was called teddy and the nickname bear came along. (random info)
    i find that cute.
    but i don’t find what he does…cute.
    then again. i want him with me if i ever end up lost somewhere (besides the walmart parking lot…can you imagine what he would eat there?)
    my husband would be utterly useless in both scenarios.

    jens last blog post..walk for autism