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This Divorce Brought To You By The Nice People At Charmin

I like to think that my quirks are what make me unique.  I know that my pet peeves leave me teetering on the brink of flat out crazy.


When I eat something that comes in layers, I must eat them in layer order.  What?  No, I can’t just eat a bite. I have to eat it in some cosmically determined order.  Let that sink in.  Oh, you’ve never seen me eat a Kit Kat or a Big Mac?  Weeeeellll, it’s an experience for sure.  Let’s take the Kit Kat.  I have to take off all the chocolate first, if I can get it to come off in solid little sheets, all the better.  I then eat it one crispy layer at time.  There are 4 bars to the standard package and it can take me 20 minutes to eat them if I’m feeling particularly particular that day.

I can accept that I will have a room full of people hanging out in my nether regions during labor, I can nonchalantly shake off the fact that my baby just heaved a load of hot vomit down into the cups of my bra….I cannot just take a bite of a candy bar.  I have thrown them away before because they broke.

THAT is a quirk.

THIS is a pet peeve.

I have this thing about toilet paper.  It needs to roll towards the front.  I waste extra toilet paper so that I can be the one to change the roll to make sure it goes on the roller correctly.  I have been known to change the toilet paper in other people’s homes…and I like to think that the next time they sit down to answer nature’s call they will be thrilled by their newly arranged toilet paper.  And it will be the BEST. WIPE. EVER. Don’t judge me.

But this morning I was devastated to learn that the love of my life is actually working against me.  My beloved LIKES the toilet paper turned towards the wall.  He hid this character flaw from me for 11 years by using some excuse about the kids not rolling paper all over the bathroom floor, but I can see clearly what’s going on.  He is in my brain, stealing my sanity.

When he finished with his explanation, I looked at him full of calm and peace.

“You do know this means we’re over, right?”

He nodded.

What can I say? We had a good run.  I’ll miss him.

11 Comments on “This Divorce Brought To You By The Nice People At Charmin”

  1. #1 Tiffiney
    on Aug 25th, 2008 at 11:04 pm

    oh my gosh…love this post…laughed totally out loud….I eat my kit kat the same way…and like my toilet paper roll rolling toward the front also….had to make a comment…great post!! 🙂

    Tiffineys last blog post..Why My House Is Not Perfect!

  2. #2 Jennifer (KCC)
    on Aug 26th, 2008 at 12:20 am

    I am with you on this. I don’t GET why people LIKE to put the TP the other way around. Its just so much more accessible in the front. Why would I want to work for it?

    Jennifer (KCC)s last blog post..nostalgia

  3. #3 Peter Mayhew
    on Aug 26th, 2008 at 8:46 am

    For the record, I have ZERO care as to which way the toilet paper goes these days. When the kids were younger, the other way made sense. Why? Because what’s the first thing a child does when they realize what the tp roll is?

    They bat at it.

    If the tp roll goes under, and they bat at it, it just spins. If it goes over and they bat at it, it makes a mess. See? Simple. Logical. Sane.

    Of course now, I’m going to go change all the rolls in the house.

    The War of the TP is on sista!!!! Just please don’t hide the yahtzee game.

    As for the “oddities”, lemme just say that if I don’t drink coffee from my Steelers cup during their game, it’s a 50/50 shot as to whether or not they’ll win. Yes, there is some cosmic link between my helmet shaped coffee mug that is essentially a dribble mug and Heinz Field. It was really in tune during the Cowher era, but now, the whammy is a little bit off. That’s ok. First year coaches can throw things off. It’ll come back. The mojo ALWAYS comes back.

    You see people, it’s reasons like this that we’ll never get divorced. No one else would take us!

    Peter Mayhews last blog post..Links for 2008-08-25 [Digg]

  4. #4 Jen W
    on Aug 26th, 2008 at 9:55 am

    I totally get this! I’m an over person myself. What I don’t understand is how my husband could go either way- over or under. He doesn’t have a preference. HOW CAN YOU NOT HAVE A PREFERENCE????

    Jen Ws last blog post..It’s an oldie but a goodie.

  5. #5 Sarah
    on Aug 26th, 2008 at 10:31 am

    I’ve been reading your blog for over a year but have never commented despite the fact that I laugh at almost every entry. I just wanted to let you know that you’re not the only one that thinks about changing the direction of other peoples toilet paper. Whenever I’m in a public bathroom and the toilet paper is towards the wall I turn it around before I pull my toilet paper off.

  6. #6 threeundertwo
    on Aug 26th, 2008 at 1:07 pm

    Oh yeah, dump that man like a hot potato. Clearly this is a big irreconcilable difference.

    I change the TP in other people’s homes too. It’s just another little public service of mine to make the world a better place.

  7. #7 PAPA
    on Aug 26th, 2008 at 1:15 pm

    And do you also put toilet paper rolls ON? I always seem to visit my friends when they forgot to pick up the Charmin at Target. Is it bad form to bring your own roll? 2 ply just doens’t cut it. I need the 3 ply.

    PAPAs last blog post..Great Lactations

  8. #8 Angela - the sister
    on Aug 26th, 2008 at 2:19 pm

    Under… I agree with Pete for the reason, when the kids were little and with 4 little GIRLS in the house we would have gone through a roll a day. No, it is habit. Don’t get me started on how the companies are ripping us off by shrinking the size of the rolls. Have you seen a so called regular roll. It might last 1 day, maybe 2 on a good week. Good grief the triple rolls are here. What next quartet rolls? They are sure singing because they know we have to buy it!!

  9. #9 mothergoosemouse
    on Aug 26th, 2008 at 9:06 pm



    I will be giggling all night.

    mothergoosemouses last blog post..Thanks, kid. You’ve motivated me to work on my flip-turn.

  10. #10 Tanya
    on Aug 26th, 2008 at 10:14 pm

    I am actually a toiletpaper-to-the-back person. I know I know…shock and amazement that I would actually “hang” out with you!! Sigh…

    I have a pet peeve about the way my dishes are stacked. There is a certain way that everything fits, and when they aren’t stacked that way, it doesn’t work. Plain and simple! Since my husband does the dishes most of the time, I really shouldn’t complain…but my way really is better!

  11. #11 Celia, Darling
    on Aug 27th, 2008 at 6:35 pm

    This is, of course, the number one reason I am staying single.

    The second would be that I’d have to share my enormous closet with a MAN.

    Celia, Darlings last blog post..Obsession Update