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…only when followed by the words “How much?”

The Boy Child: Is ‘ho’ a bad word?

Me (after some deep breathing and a few muttered curses directed at his father): Not if you’re a farmer.  They use hoes all the time.

The Boy Child: Oh. Ok.

A moment of quiet and….3….2….

The Boy Child: Is there any other time it’s a bad word?

How deep do I really want to go into this one?  Am I truly going to go there?  I should have been a truck driver, living a life of quiet solitude, out on the open highways of our country…being the Snowman to someone’s Bandit…not fielding these conversation grenades my son keeps lobbing at me.

Me: Yes.  If you use it to describe…a…er….woman…it’s not nice…it’s a bad word…umm…just don’t ever let me hear you use it or I’ll throw something sharp at your head, got it?

A quick nod lets me know that the message has been heard and acknowledged.

Wow. That wasn’t so bad. No, it was not. I can totally handle these tough questions!  I AM SUPERMOM!  Watch your step, I’d hate for you to stumble on my cape.

The Boy Child: What’s it mean? Why is it bad?


Me: It’s just means that someone is sort of a bad person.

The Boy Child: Like a murderer?

Me: No! No! What are they teaching you at your school?

The Boy Child: Bad like how?

Me: Would you like to go to journalism school someday?

The Boy Child: *blink blink*

Me: It’s a word for a woman who dates a lot of guys all at the same time *edited for child sensibilities because I am SO NOT going into the cash handling side of it, not on the threat of death*

The Girl Child pipes up from the back seat: She’s a cheater!??

Thank you, Carrie Underwood, I hope you develop a nasty rash.

Me: Yes, that works as well as anything, it’s a word for a woman who cheats a lot. Let it go.

The kids quiet down and I can hear them mentally munching on that little tidbit of knowledge.

The Girl Child: So, why do people cheat?

Me: HEY, GUYS! There’s Dairy Queen, let’s get an ice cream cone.

Everyone: YEAH!

Tackling the tough questions?  EPIC FAIL!

Someday, ask me when my drinking problem started and I’ll probably direct you to this post.

11 Comments on “…only when followed by the words “How much?””

  1. #1 Niki
    on Dec 13th, 2008 at 8:33 am

    Reminds me of the first time my daughter used the F-word properly, not just because it was fun to say.
    We lived on the 2nd floor of an apartment building and she had found a rock (where I have no clue). She was 2. She was tossing said rock onto the tile floor cause it made the awesomest sound – well to her at least. Daddy was trying to nap on the couch. Rock tossing continues. Daddy arises in a fit of rage, stomps over to her and snatches the rock from her hand, preventing another toss. At the same time he says “Gimme that Fucking rock!” To which Brooklyn replies with one hand on her hip and a stern face, all while snatching the rock back out of daddy’s hand – “That’s MY Fucking Rock!!!”
    Oh to try and keep a straight face through that one!

  2. #2 Niki
    on Dec 13th, 2008 at 8:34 am

    BTW – i would have LOVE to be in the car for THAT conversation – Dairy Queen FTW!!!

  3. #3 Jessica
    on Dec 13th, 2008 at 10:43 am

    I guess you are telling me when my son gets older me telling him “yes, its a bad word, I better not hear you say it” won’t be enough. Because right now when he hears me say something I probably shouldn’t say in front of him and he asks me about it that is what I tell him and he says ok mommy and i never hear him say it. He usually responds with “guess who i love” and I say “me” he says “yes” Oh if I could only keep him 6 years old 4 eva He melts my heart.
    I think you offering dairy queen was the perfect answer LOl

  4. #4 Jen W
    on Dec 13th, 2008 at 10:45 am

    Ugh. I hate those moments. I was squirming in my seat for you. Yesterday my son asked me if they really cut your belly open to get the baby out of the tummy. I said, “Sometimes.” thinking that would be good enough. But then he asked if you don’t cut open the belly, then how does the baby get out… UGH!

  5. #5 Heidi
    on Dec 13th, 2008 at 11:11 am

    After having the “sex talk” with my then 10 year old I asked her if she had any questions–what was I thinking! Yes, she says, “do you have to have sex everytime you have a baby?” and I replied, “yes” Then she says, “oh good, cuz I only want to have one baby” Oh, the joys of motherhood.

  6. #6 Musing
    on Dec 13th, 2008 at 1:20 pm

    Dairy Queen to the rescue!

  7. #7 Brandy
    on Dec 13th, 2008 at 1:48 pm

    remind me to call you next time my Jewish children have questions about Santa. You can’t really tell them the truth or they will go to school, tell their friends and then hate mail comes to my house. If i lie, they want to know why he doesn’t come to our house.

  8. #8 Chris
    on Dec 13th, 2008 at 2:00 pm

    That’s funny! When my oldest son was five, he walked in our bathroom while I was taking a shower. He said, “Where’s your penis Mom?” I paused, looked down, acted surprised and said, “I don’t know!”

  9. #9 just mom
    on Dec 13th, 2008 at 11:53 pm

    ROFLOL! Oooooh, how I don’t envy you for getting that question! 😛 Must be a day for that sort of thing.

    Here I was thinking it would be a nice, quiet trip to the hair salon today. And it was . . . until my eldest had to go to the bathroom. Not that going to the bathroom is bad or anything. It’s just that till now, she hasn’t noticed (or payed any nevermind to) the little signage all over public restrooms. Y’know the ones telling you what not to do with ‘feminine hygiene’ products?

    Yeah, the bathroom had one of those. . . right at kid eye level. So in her best, and most clear reading voice, she starts:

    “Please do not put Kotex or Tampax into the toilet. Instead please put them in the trash container.”

    “HEY MOM! WHATSA KO-NO-TEX. . . or whatever it is. . . AND A TAMPAX?” (Yup, she pretty much yelled the important parts, then used her best indoor voice for the not-so-mortifying ones. I learned her good, didn’t I?)

    Yeah, then the hair salon was topped off by her little sister pulling one of those cute, heavy, child-smushing bathroom corner display knick knack holder thingies down on herself. Thankfully no kidlets were injured in the demolition of the corner knick knack display thingie. But a couple kitschy ceramic knick knacks bought the big one.

    Guess who’s next haircut is going to be a whoooooole lot more expensive next month! *shudder*

    BTW, great job of re-directing. Thank heaven for DQ! Too bad there’s never one around when I need one!

  10. #10 Awesome Mom
    on Dec 14th, 2008 at 1:40 am

    I am dreading the day I am going to have these conversations.

  11. #11 Barbara
    on Dec 15th, 2008 at 10:31 am

    I think you handled it beautifully. And shared it with us with your usual aplomb. Thanks!