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Ok, first things first.

No, I don’t know if Eddie is single. But I promise to find out. Thank you for your overwhelming concern for our big buddy’s social schedule! You know who you are.


Peter and I have made a big decision to put Peyton in preschool when school starts back up in January after Christmas break. I know that she’s going to love every minute of it, she’s so ready. However, I am going to have to get used to being without my little shadow. I’ve had her by my side more or less non-stop for the past 16 months and now she needs to start back down that road to a normal life. I guess that means that I do as well.

When she was diagnosed, all future plans went on a sort of stand-by as we fully concentrated on the here and now. I know there are families who never skipped a beat and the kids were able to stay in school during treatment, but she’d never even had the chance to go. I couldn’t picture her going to school when she was so sick, I wasn’t worried about her making it to class, I was worried about her making it to the end of the week.

She still has many months of constant chemotherapy, spinal taps, pokes and prods, but this is a huge step into a life beyond the cancer. She wants that play time, she wants to be with the other kids, to carry her lunchbox and proudly sit at a desk with her friends. I want her to have it.

I spent the day without her because Wednesday is her day to go with her Grandma and I thought about what it’s going to be like when I have ALL THIS TIME! Whatever will I do with myself? Oh, that’s right, box up all our belongings and get ready to move. No pressure there, right?

So, I’m figuring that I have about 6 months while Peter’s gone to Atlanta and I’m here packing up the home front. I have set goals! High reaching goals meant to keep me very busy while I’m missing my husband.

My goals are:

1. Lose 20 pounds….did I mention that I’m a comfort eater? I eat to comfort myself and I eat when I’m comfortable, it’s a vicious cycle.
2. Pack lots of boxes, throw away a lot of stuff and have the mother of all moving yard sales…this is going to go so much more smoothly without Peter to swear that he NEEDS so much of the stuff clogging up our limited storage space.
3. Write a book.

Yeah, I’m actually going to sit down and write something besides this blog. I’m not planning to rewrite the blog. I can’t picture doing that until Peyton’s fully out of treatment. I guess I feel like I’d be tempting fate by doing that.

But I have plans, I have an outline, I have a great potential for writer’s block! Ahhhh, goals. As I get my idea more firmed up, I’ll share it with you all, many of my cancer parent friends will be getting their brains picked, to be used for this book idea. Part of me hesitates to announce this book undertaking…what if I slack and someone asks me how I’m doing with it? It’s like having 1000 editors breathing down my back. On the other hand, if I have encouragement in writing this, I may get beyond the outline phase!

Peyton’s finally coming down from her steroid high. She didn’t want any breakfast. I always heave a huge sigh of relief the day she turns down food. It’s over for another three weeks. Her swelling is already going down and she’s still grouchy to Rachael, but that’s pretty normal.

A wonderful friend told me to check out this song “Somewhere In The Middle” by Casting Crowns, and I just loved it. I want to share it with you, but like more cockroaches and a comeback of 80’s hair, a YouTube video of me singing is something this world just doesn’t need.

But these words really touched me, I hope they touch you as well.

Somewhere in the Middle by Casting Crowns

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors on a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle

f.r.o.G…fully relying on God

ps…I feel another movie-making session coming on so I can use this beautiful song.

pss….Ok, so I had too much to do to actually make a movie with picture and all that fun stuff….so, just imagine that I put in a lot of pretty black things on a black background.

Very avante garde.

2 Comments on “Goals”

  1. #1 Penny Hawkins
    on Nov 7th, 2007 at 10:55 pm

    Hey – lunch was great. And was it 6 inches or 7 inches…. HMMMMMM – LOVE YA – Penny

  2. #2 Ami Czorapinski
    on Nov 8th, 2007 at 6:53 am

    Hi guys! Glad to hear Peyton is returning to "normal." I love the fact that you have set goals. I used to be a goal setter. Now I am just a get through the day kind of person. :SMILE If you're looking for a weight loss buddy, I sign up. Oh, and I love the fact that you're moving to Atlanta. I have always wanted to have an excuse to visit there.