I am just sick this morning.
SICK!
Not EWWW-sick like I was last week during that nasty bout of stomach flu, but absolutely 100% heartsick this morning.
Why, you might ask yourself.
Because I had to be a freaking parent this morning! And it sucks. And I hate it. And I resent my kid right now for MAKING me have to be a parent this morning.
Not just a parent, but the MEAN parent, the one with the make-you-cry punishment that will not only ruin his day, but could very well ruin.his.life.forever.and.ever.and.ever.
To fill you in on the backstory, last week Nathaniel got busted when his progress report came home. My son is smart. Now, I know that all parents seek to highlight the positives about their kids (the little punk leaves his socks all over the house and has started to have that pre-teen funk smell marinating around him), however, Nathaniel is one of those wicked smart kids that anything learn-y just seems to come very natural to him. The kid doesn’t have to study to make straight A’s, he doesn’t have to work at it to do well…and thus, has become incredibly lazy and just takes for granted that he doesn’t have to put out any effort to continue excelling.
And mom calls bullshit on it.
So, last week when I got a gander at the progress report, it showed that he had a C- in his Bible class. (Private Christian school, remember?) A, A, A, A, A, C-.
WHaaaa–?
Then I looked at what the grades actually were.
5 test scores: A
5 homework scores: F
I lost my mind, people.
My kid apprently feels that doing the homework is a complete waste of his time because he still got A’s on the tests, so obviously he can learn the material without having to do all the tedious writing exercises and, just to be clear, can use that time to chat around the class.
Ok, let me stop right here for a second and tell you how hard it is to argue with that logic (not the chatting part, but the useless busy-time homework that has no impact on his learning, but whatever, it’s the assignment and you WILL. DO. IT.)
THIS? Is all Peter’s doing. I had to study for every grade I ever got….I HAD to work to pass. Peter, not so much. Obnoxiously fact. (So, the tendency to scatter socks all over the house is not the only annoying gene he passed down to Nathaniel) It comes easy to them so the working part seems superfluous.
But, the mean parent handbook says that I have to force my kid to actually DO his homework, whether it has any bearing on his grade-getting ability or not. End of story. Forever and ever. Amen.
*I did not mean to quote a Randy Travis song, it just sort of rolled out*
His punishment was loss of his cell phone. Not grounding, permanent loss.
Grounding has proven to be an epic FAIL with this kid because, by all that is wrong and unjust in the world, this boy is patient. He can endure as long as he knows there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. If he KNOWS he can get it back, then he can just wait it out. He will quietly, and without complaint, persevere thoughout his sentence and then gleefully pick up as if it never happened.
So, last week he lost his brand new, shiny Christmas present cell phone. He was upset.
I, then laid down the groundwork for any future mishaps: If he got another F in a homework assignment for simply failing to complete it, he would then lose his Gameboy…PERMANENTLY. We would physically give it to someone else.
It scared the bejezers out of him because he loves that DS, bordering on obsession. It is his greatest joy and most prized possession. He is a gamer at heart (Daddy’s genes at work AGAIN) and when he’s not actively playing, he’s thinking about playing or planning out what he’ll do next time he plays or counting down the minutes until he can play again.
It’s a constant struggle to balance what he should be doing with his desire to play.
With this in mind, I beat him over the head with the threat of permanent loss.
HA! I put the fear of Nintendo in his heart.
Then.
This morning.
A week later.
F on an assignment. He forgot to do another class’s assignment, so he had to use his in-class time to complete THAT work, so he didn’t turn in the homework he was supposed to be doing during that time and NOW? Another F.
I am required to pony up on my threat.
I’m staring at it right now, sitting on my desk, his Gameboy. That he handed over with tears and a gut-wrenching expression and the demeanor of a mother abandoning her child on the doorstep of an orphanage. Goodbye, my sweet love, I will never forget you.
Mah heart!
And everything inside me rushed to say, I’m sorry you screwed up, let’s have another chance and try harder this time.
But holyfreakingmoly, it’s only been a week since his last punishment and I KNOW it’s not going to get any better with another chance (because THIS is about the eleventy-millionth second chance) and then I’ll just be angry because he didn’t follow through on his promise to do better and eventually, I WILL have to make good on my threatened punishment.
Here, I sit, feeling like the world’s worst mother because I don’t want to have to enforce this one. I hate being the bad guy and knowing that my kid’s at school right now, hoping I’ll get hit by a bus or doing the “I hope I die cause then she’ll feel bad because she treated me mean” mantra.
I’m wishing I’d threatened something less severe, but I also know that THIS will get through to him. I’m wishing the last punishment had impacted him in a way that shook his 11 year-old brain into awareness that I’m dead serious about this.
Right now, I’m wishing I wasn’t a mean parent and this wasn’t part of my job.
Cause it SUCKS for us both.
*************************************
IPod Touch – giveaway – STILL!
on Feb 27th, 2009 at 10:53 am
Oh Anissa! I feel so bad for all of you! It is the WORST when you have to follow through on any punishment, and this one is a doozy!
We have epic homework battles at my house, too. Sometimes I think the homework is a total waste of time, too – the trick is to show that the homework is self-discipline as good practice to do what your “boss” wants you to do in the future even if you don’t like it. It cracks me up when my child tells me “why don’t you understand I hate homework?” I usually respond back, “I finished college. I know all about how horrible homework is – but you still have to do it.”
Too bad there’s not a better way
Hollys last blog post..Free Software Compatible with Microsoft Office
AnissaM Reply:
February 28th, 2009 at 2:06 am
@Holly,
I keep explaining that I had to do it too, everyone does. It’s just frustrating and I know it’ll get better, but BOY I hope it’s before he drives me to drink.
on Feb 27th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Oh man…you are so brave. I totally would have cracked and been bawling the whole time.
But, you are right to do it. Seriously, now he knows it’s for real.
brittanys last blog post..deuce
AnissaM Reply:
February 28th, 2009 at 2:06 am
@brittany,
YEAH, he knows mama’s a hardass now.
on Feb 27th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Didn’t you always hate when your parent said “this will hurt me more than it hurts you”. UGH! Now you know why!
I too have a child that aces tests/exams (even the FCAT) but refuses to do homework and projects. She is now a junior in highschool and figuring out it DOES matter. Being a responsible parent totally sucks sometimes!
AnissaM Reply:
February 28th, 2009 at 2:07 am
@kp,
I tried to explain that eventually he will hit a wall where he has to work and he won’t know what to do with himself. I sort of hope it’s sooner rather than later.
on Feb 27th, 2009 at 11:31 am
Ugh! That sucks so much! I’m a wimp at following through. Is there some way you could let him earn it back – like you will put it up this time and he can get it back after school is over IF he doesn’t get anymore F’s the rest of the school year? Maybe that would motivate him? But don’t listen to me, because I am seriously the biggest softie on the planet, and while I will carry through with punishments that I have to, I have never had to carry through with something of this magnitude! Good luck – prayers & hugs being sent your way!
AnissaM Reply:
February 28th, 2009 at 2:08 am
@alayna,
I think there’s a good chance he’ll get it back if he’s able to eventually extract his head from his butt….not that HE has to know that.
on Feb 27th, 2009 at 11:45 am
Uh do you have my son? The one who is getting 0s on assignments because he’s forgetting to turn them in. And he knows whenever a 0 is entered into his grades I do get an email telling me about it. And those 0′s have ruined his grades completely.
Now with the things going on here at home I have to be a little lenient, but we’ve passed that carrot. Now he’s loosing out to his little sister- she gets the computer time, XBOX, Wii, gameboy time not him. He gets to go and stay in his messy room. Now mind you this is just as much a punishment for me as it is for him, I get the whinny 3 year old act asking to go to the other room (ie can I go play on the XBOX). When I’m trying to do my own school work.
Stick to your guns (it stinks I know) but these male children need to learn their lessons……. that sometimes you just have to do things and follow through even when you don’t understand why.
AnissaM Reply:
February 28th, 2009 at 2:10 am
@Tracy,
I swear these kids are out to get us. Would it be wrong to just sedate them until college?
on Feb 27th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
You know, he’s old enough to reason with.
Hang on to for a few days then ask him what would be a way that he could earn it back.
Let him pick the punishment. It will be worse than you ever could imagine. Or better yet, tell him you want an essay on why he went wrong and his plans to keep from forgetting in the future. Check it for grammar and content, etc.
Essays are good for writing skills, critical analyzing and problem solving. Also it’s torture. It will serve him well in the future with the bonus that you get to bestow him with his DS when he is done.
And you never know, the kid my have gotten some of your DNA and he could turn out to be a fantastic writer.
Juliannas last blog post..Time to Rest
AnissaM Reply:
February 28th, 2009 at 2:17 am
@Julianna,
We have a book report punishment in effect right now (for a prior incident), this kid has more homework at home than he’s getting at school right now. *sigh*
on Feb 27th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
All you have to do is change out the name Nathaniel with Morgan, and you have my house. We have a similar punishment going on here for the exact same reason. Sucks, I know. Glad to know I’m not the only one!
Shashs last blog post..Why I Pink Puffy Heart Twitter and Orlando, Florida
AnissaM Reply:
February 28th, 2009 at 2:17 am
@Shash,
Nope, it’s pretty universal suckage. My sister!
on Feb 27th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Re: The busy work of home work…I know, therefore I Home School.
Wow…You meant to show you were serious and you sure did. You COULD admit you were harsh, though Harsh was obviously needed..I suck at this follow through stuff too…I take away the electronic priviledges in time increments and even for that I get massive ” I hate you” fit throwing from my boy child, then I’m always looking for a back door cuz how is it fair that Dad always gets to be the rockstar? OUr last eruption was over not turning in homework too…I finally put a clothespin on his notebook that sticks out like a sore thumb reminding him to turn it in..Of course first it has to get done. If you have a way to know what his work is (aren’t the agendas for that?) then you sit on ALL electronics til work is done…But do you back down now? Tough call. You might hate yourself for doing it and you might actually loose some hard earned respect. I would say if you’re willing to let him earn it back, it should be HARD LABOR and maybe he should have to earn it daily? Of course if you throw a big speech complete with chapter and verse on extending grace, it might make you feel better?
AnissaM Reply:
February 28th, 2009 at 2:19 am
@Melanie,
That’s my worry. If I give it back to him too soon, it’s just another grounding and he knows I won’t stick to my guns. And I lose all credibility in his eyes. I want him to know that when I say I mean it, I really do. SUCKAGE!
on Feb 27th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Busy work IS silly…teachers don’t like grading them any more than we like doing them. Nathaniel is going to be a star in college.
Things like this make me very glad I am not yet a parent. Good luck!
Jennifers last blog post..taking out the trash.
AnissaM Reply:
February 28th, 2009 at 2:20 am
@Jennifer,
We were already planning to take him out of this school for next year, put him into an accelerated magnet program where he won’t have time to get in trouble, they’ll be challenging him at every turn. If not, I may just take him out and stick him in a vo-tech program to get a welding certificate and let it be.
on Feb 27th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Maybe you could lock it up and make him earn it back? Like doing weeks worth of chores in addition to no more missing homework?
Terris last blog post..Wikipedia Names Your Band Meme
AnissaM Reply:
February 28th, 2009 at 2:20 am
@Terri,
Oh he’s doing THAT already. It’s pretty sad, I think this may be the only way to really get through to him.
on Feb 27th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
My son was the same way. The only way he got through his elementary and high school education was by my checking his notebooks and backpack every single night when he got home for homework. He would forget or procrastinate until it was too late to do it. I remember staying up until 2:00 AM many times with him, encouraging (forcing him) to finish reports and projects. The brain is not fully functional to realize the consequences of their actions or inactions until well into the teens. (Maybe 26?) If you let them do it on their own, it WILL NOT GET DONE! Then the chances for being accepted to a good college are blown. Colleges decide acceptance by the grades up to and not including SOPHOMORE year of high school. So if they blow the first two years of high school there is no chance to get scholarships or enter the college of their choice. So be VERY VIGILANT! You go, MOM!
on Feb 27th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
So, what’s your point???
on Feb 27th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
So, what’s your point????
on Feb 27th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Didn’t mean to ask the question 2x
on Feb 27th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Parenting…it’s a hard, hard job, isn’t it?
Know that following through is the right thing to do. Also know that I attended a teacher strategy class one year, and the psychologist said that you should take away things that matter.
And homework/classwork is important! If nothing else, it makes kids organized and responsible.
But still, it’s such a hard job! I feel for you!
(And my oldest…my sweet Steven…was the same way. Brilliant…but a homework skipper! I understand where you’re coming from!)
Beverlys last blog post..Staying Informed
AnissaM Reply:
February 28th, 2009 at 2:22 am
@Beverly,
It’s very much about teaching him to respect that there are things you HAVE to get done before you get to do the things you want to do. There has to be a balance and BOY does he have a ways to go to finding anything even close to balance. But he’s 11, we have time and he’s a smart kid.
on Feb 27th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Oh well picture this. My daughter now has a brand new shiny mustang-imagine having to take that away for a punishment! It will not be a good day. I’ve threatened to SELL it if I ever catch her -or any of her friends with Alcohol in it! I would never want to collect on that one-but I will if I have to. It’s hard Anissa-but you have to follow your heart-unfortunately there is no parenting handbook. If he greatly improves-the time might come to re-evaluate the situation. Good luck!!
Rhondas last blog post..Hi/Lo Thursday
AnissaM Reply:
February 28th, 2009 at 2:23 am
@Rhonda,
you GO, mama! See, yours is life and death and it’s important that she understands that you will in no way back down from that..she won’t even test you on it. You have to start that young.
on Feb 27th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
I know it sucks, but stick to your guns! Your kids need you to do what you say you’re going to do! Firmness and consistency — those are 2 words a dear friend and mentor told me a long time ago and they still ring true! Oh and BTW — as the kids get older, it just gets harder, so try not to let your heart break every time! LOL
p.s. – Keep up the good work!
BlapherMJs last blog post..Fabulous Fridays
AnissaM Reply:
February 28th, 2009 at 2:25 am
@BlapherMJ,
Uggg, i’m hoping we can work through these problems NOW, so it doesn’t get as bad as my imagination can conjure. He’s such a good kid, and I know that he’s going to get it together.
Before he’s sleeping in a cardboard box on the back porch? Maybe. We’ll have to see how smart he really is. LOL
on Feb 27th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Wow looks like you gotta real tricky kid on your hands! These stories are the ones that scare the wits out of me for even considering being a parent. I kinda get the feeling that he’s just ignoring his homework cuz he knows he doesn’t need to do it because he’s smart enough. Still you are lucky to have such a bright kid. Don’t worry you are doing a good job, I’ll pray that the heavens give you more energy because I know this is just going to one of the hundreds of days you’ll have to be a mean parent
Shannons last blog post..Matt Berman On Fox News’ Strategy Room
AnissaM Reply:
February 28th, 2009 at 2:26 am
@Shannon,
Oh don’t be scared. It’s a good thing kids start out sweet and cuddly, you get the chance to grow as a parent with them. If I thought that the lessons i’m learning (not even him) would really help with the girls I’d roll with it. But I know that with the differences in their personalities their issues are going to be completely different and a ball of suckage all their own.
But they’re so worth it!
on Feb 27th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Don’t look at it as a punishment to you look at it as a chance to own a fun new toy. That is what I would do with it, secretly keep it and get games for myself.
I am also odd in that I don’t mind being the hardass mean parent. I look at it as passing all my childhood frustrations on to the next generation. I can’t get back at my parents (even though they were obviously doing the right thing).
AnissaM Reply:
February 28th, 2009 at 2:27 am
@Awesome Mom,
ROFL!! I love the way your mind works. I considered it, it’s been sitting on my desk all day. Just try it once, right?
XOXOX
on Feb 27th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
That DOES suck. I can’t tell you how much I hate making good on my threats…don’t they know we don’t actually want to have to pull out the big guns?!
Kylas last blog post..Big Gym Day!
AnissaM Reply:
February 28th, 2009 at 2:28 am
@Kyla,
He was so sweet when he came to me and apologized for making me punish him. He really did. He just came out and said that he knows it’s hard to be the grown up. THIS smart kid can’t turn in his homework. *sigh*
Of course, it could be an open manipulation of all my soft hearted spots.
on Feb 27th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
Oh, that unabashedly SUCKS. What about putting it away and re-giving it to him as an Easter/Bday/Christmas gift. Don’t tell him in the mean time of course, but at least you know he’s going to get it back eventually. AND he’s still being punished bc it’s taking over what you may otherwise have given him at that occasion.
MommyNamedAprils last blog post..Parenting FAIL. (Home Sweet Home Edition)
AnissaM Reply:
February 28th, 2009 at 2:29 am
@MommyNamedApril,
I think I’ll just sit on it for a while….I like him when he’s gameless, and maybe he’ll learn that he doesn’t need it quite as much as he thinks he does. Kids do that, right? RIGHT??
XOXOX
on Feb 27th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
When he’s older, he will be SO grateful to you for teaching him that actions have consequences. I promise.
The kids whose parents don’t teach them about consequences end up having serious problems – and usually need to be bailed out by Mommy and Daddy over and over and over. Like the girl who flunked my friend the prof’s college class, and brought her mommy in to contest her grade with her. Ugh. My friend laughed them out of her office.
You’re a good mom. He’s supposed to hate you right now. That means you’re doing it right.
Hugs,
Amy
Amys last blog post..Depression Cooking
AnissaM Reply:
February 28th, 2009 at 2:30 am
@Amy,
Thanks for understanding, Amy. It’s not just about this one incident…it’s about preparing him for a life of things he doesn’t want to do…and learning to just power through them. I want him to be strong enough to make the right choices.
XOXOX
on Feb 27th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
Harsh or not, you know how to get through to your kid, right? (Parent to parent, though? How much sense does it make that he’s being penalized in his grade for not doing homework which the whole point of rests on helping him get A’s on his tests which he is already doing. Makes no sense. Is the point is to prepare him for the fact that a good deal of our lives consists of doing meaningless tasks that really serve no grand purpose?? )
Maybe he’s too smart for his classes and could be enrolled in a more advanced curriculum? Something that he would *need* to do homework for in order to get an A? And if he’s *already* in honors/gifted classes, well, get that kid a job with NASA and ask him to start making some money for you.
Faiqas last blog post..Somebody’s Gonna Get A Hurt Real Bad
AnissaM Reply:
February 28th, 2009 at 2:32 am
@Faiqa,
I KNOW! He is too smart and I know part of it is that he’s bored. We’d decided halfway through the year that we’d take him out and put him an AGP magnet school where he wouldn’t have time to get bored. I want his mind working, not finding new ways to goof off.
His school is advanced in comparison to the public schools in our area, but apparently Mr Smartzy pants needs more than that. I want him to have it.
Or I will be forced to do the next thing on my list…make him take a ballet class. A little piece of him would die inside, every day.
on Feb 28th, 2009 at 9:39 am
Okay I apparently live under a rock, b/c i just saw this post today.
I LOVE being the mean parent, but then again I’m evil. I think the only thing my son has left to do that he like is beat off….and that might be stopping too because if he doesn’t straighten up that damned room of his – i’m taking off the door.
Seriously…the computers have been pw protected and magically encrypted by my husband (even I don’t know the PW to get in); I carry the power cord to the Wii around with me in my car so he can’t play.
Niki a.k.a. Mommieliciouss last blog post..Who wants the Clap for Valentines Day???
AnissaM Reply:
March 2nd, 2009 at 3:36 am
@Niki a.k.a. Mommielicious,
do you not understand I am sitting in front of my computer when I read these things? It’s not nice to make me nearly spit-spray a mouthful of coffee on my keyboard.
But for this? I love you forever!
on Feb 28th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
UGH! Being mean sure is the sucky part of this whole mom job, isnt’ it? I don’t remember signing up for that part of the gig. I sure would loooooove to always be the fun, cool, exciting, lovable mom. Not happenin’ though.
I totally agree with your choice and means of punishment. I say that unfortunately to make a point, you have to hit ‘em where they live. Best of all though, is that you actually followed through with the consequence. IMO, that’s where most of us as parents sort of drop the ball and end up causing more arguments and rebellion down the road. I’ve seen that first hand about a kajillion times with our friends’ children. Mom starts by telling little puddin’ to get out of the dirt pile at the playground. Then they tell him a little louder. Then they threaten that he’ll be taken home if he doesn’t stop. And then they threaten again. And again. And. . . What about the follow-though, people?? It’s always been my firm belief that if the kidlets don’t know FOR SURE that there’s going to be a punishment and we will follow through, they’ll learn just how far they can push us and still get what they want. Then next time, they push a little further to see how much they can get away with next time. One day, we wake up and they’re not a little kid in the dirt with us yelling in the background. They’re teenagers trying to get away with murder and we’re wondering ‘Why can’t I get him to do what I say?’.
As for the homework, I don’t agree with the people who think it’s a pointless waste of time. For one thing, I think it’s an extension of the learning process that proves that the children have grasped concepts learned in the classroom and can work on said assignments independently. I also think it’s an important tool for teaching kids that they must be responsible to do things without someone standing right there in the room with them, making sure a task gets done.
Additionally, homework is yet another good way to teach children the idea of cause and effect. ‘Cause you do your homework, you get a good grade. ‘Cause you didn’t do your work, you fail and mom takes away your boss toys.
Whoa. All that just to say I think ya done good and I don’t think you’ve ruined Nathaniel’s life forever.
Half of forever? Maybe.
AnissaM Reply:
March 2nd, 2009 at 3:37 am
@just mom,
THANK you for understanding! And half of forever? Ok, I can live with that. I only feel half as bad. LOL
on Feb 28th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
2 thoughts from my own life experiences dealing with this.
Does the punishment fit the crime? First you have to be OK with the consequences before you threaten, and then there is no guilt about it.
Where is the teacher in this? I finally learned when my kid was in high school that it’s not really Mom’s job. This may sound harsh but ultimately the importance of completing homework (no matter what age) is between the two of them. The school should give the real life consequences (i.e. grades, missing recess, staying after school etc). Conference and work out something with them because believe me, you may have the same problem where ever he goes. At even the best school and especially for college, it’s an individual’s effort matters.
Elinor Reply:
March 1st, 2009 at 8:37 pm
@SusieQ, Homework is for “home”. “Home” is where the parents are. Therefore, parents’ responsibility. Too many parents want the teachers to do the entire job of educating their children, especially permissive parents.
SusieQ Reply:
March 1st, 2009 at 11:22 pm
@Elinor,
I think the philosophy of homework being the “parents responsibility” really depends on your kids age. For little guys and elementary school ages I’d agree with you. When your kids get to middle school (11-12 years) which is where my youngest is now, and then move into high school preparing for college, as parents we need to help our kids learn to deal with increasing responsibility and have occasional real life consequences. I think that our parent roles need to change for them to learn that.
One of the best things we can do to improve education and our school system is to be an involved parent and be in touch with the kids teachers and what’s going on in the classroom. Collaboration for a solution is what I had
in mind.
AnissaM Reply:
March 2nd, 2009 at 3:39 am
@SusieQ,
You made some great points. I also think you’re right about the age thing as well…it’s more about teaching him responsibility with his obligations than even just the homework.
I’ve talked to his teachers now and I get daily updates if there’s any dramatic change in his grades and a call or email if he doesn’t turn in homework. But I also want him to be driven to do this for himself, not just me and his teacher, ya know what I mean?
Maybe I ask too much. *sigh*
SusieQ Reply:
March 4th, 2009 at 10:11 pm
@AnissaM,
Sounds like you’ve got a great handle on the situation. I’m sure from reading your other comments that he knows you’re doing this BECAUSE you care, and that’s the best message of all. That altruistic motive will come in time, if you can make it through puberty! (God help us both)
AnissaM Reply:
March 4th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
@SusieQ,
I am not proud, I will sedate us both if I have to! We’ll wake up when he’s 25 and all will be fine.
on Mar 1st, 2009 at 4:31 am
Anissa,
I have been reading your blog forevah, and have not posted until now. My son is now “grown-up” at 22 and is incredibly smart, and scarily creative…(musician, graphic artist, website creator(crazy cool stuff)) In school all years, he scored in the 95+ percentile in the natiion for kids his age, so intelligence was not questioned…but motivation and giving a damn to do anything that was not his idea, seemed a distant dream. I was never good about the follow through on punishment…guilt and worry of the unknown always won out over what I knew should be the protocol. I do not know if it would have actually gotten the intended result or not. I applaud you for your perserverance and desire to truly make your point. Perhaps to achieve your goal, and quell your aching heart, you can continue “as though” he really has lost his cell, and game forever…at which time he comes through and proves to you that he intends to follow the rules, you can return his things with a short chat explaining that “From what you can see , he has understood the lesson and really worked hard at proving that he knows the right thing to do; that you have given it some serious thought and while “forever” IS what you meant, you have decided to amend the punishment to include a “one- time probation”, and if he screws it up again, that will tell you that he really did not want them back to begin with, and he thinks it is a game. I did always sprinkle discussions with my son with examples of what deep crap he would be in if I “forgot or decided it was not important” to (ie. pick him up from school; remember his birthday; buy him new shoes when the others are too small; etc) These things did always illicit deep thought on his part, and an “oh yeah…”
Good Luck and hopefully my first post did not wear you out and make you hope I disappear!!!!
AnissaM Reply:
March 2nd, 2009 at 3:42 am
@April D in Dallas,
You didn’t wear me out at all! You made some great suggestions. I wrote this just to whine and complain a little and have gotten some awesome feedback from you guys. I LOVE it when you share, not only your own experiences, but what you did or would do in the same situation. Sometimes I only see things from one perspective and it helps to have more minds at work.
Thank you!
on Mar 1st, 2009 at 12:50 pm
I have already mastered Chapter 4 of the Mean Parents handbook, and I have the confiscated cell phone and mp3 player to prove it. A certain sad someone is doing extra algebra with her dad this morning.
We’re moving on to chapter 5. It doesn’t get any easier.
Stick. to. your. guns.
threeundertwo@Lit and Laundrys last blog post..One of those Dreadful Medical Posts with TMI
AnissaM Reply:
March 2nd, 2009 at 3:42 am
@threeundertwo@Lit and Laundry,
There is comfort in knowing I’m not the only one.
But REALLY? Could you not give me some hope that it was going to get better?
on Mar 1st, 2009 at 5:11 pm
“Sometimes things matter” its is an important lesson – good luck impressing it. It is probablly hard for a youngster to imagine, “sometimes things matter.” Missing a flight time or forgeting to pay a bill – “sometimes things matter.” Homework is important to his teacher, its important to you, and it sounds like how much this thing “matters” is becoming apparent to your child. -GW
AnissaM Reply:
March 2nd, 2009 at 3:43 am
@Greg,
Maybe next time I could just send him over to live with you for a while? Maybe?
on Mar 1st, 2009 at 7:10 pm
My comment may have got thrown into spam because it was long with lots of links, if you don’t get it, shoot me an email, I have some thoughts for you
Jerri Anns last blog post..Parenting Sites 411
on Mar 1st, 2009 at 7:15 pm
Ok, I didn’t read all of the comments, I read most of them. I am not saying this to merely play the devil’s advocate here, this is what I truly feel and believe.
Before I get to that, I have no clue what I would do in your shoes right now. I have no idea how to make this work except to put it away under the pretense that you gave it away. Then, give them opportunity to buy another one. He earns the money and pays you for it? I don’t know, sounds stupid but….like I said, I’m at a loss on this one. My kids are still 4 and 6 so we are still playing the small punishment game.
Secondly, here’s a punishment that my father used on me once (for you in the future because you will have to punish for something again later). I NEVER did anything wrong. I’m not just saying that. My father was a teacher and I was absolutely terrified that he would eat me or something if I let him down. However, once I went into school late, there was no reason for it, I simply didn’t get dressed and to school on time. When I saw that I was going to be a little late, I chose to just go ahead and sleep in and go in late. And, the very reason I never did anything wrong was because when I walked in the door that afternoon, my father said “why were you late for school” and I lied.
So, anyway now that I told that long story for no reason, the punishment. Instead of taking my car keys for good which would have caused him as much anguish as me because of athletic practices and games and such, the punishment was “for a month, you must be home by 9 pm, Friday’s and Saturday’s included”.
So, on the weekends, when I was out cruising the strip (not beach strip, just our strip), just as the first movie was letting out and everyone was really starting to get out and about in town….I had to go home. The worst part was the explaining of why I had to go home. If it had been one weekend, I could have pretended I was sick, or went to stay with granny or whatever. But, for a month, every time things started “happening”, I had to go home. The WORST.PUNISHMENT.OF.MY.LIFE.
I won’t to cap that off by saying the last 20 years of my life, I have been hell bent on breaking every rule, law, etc that has ever been inacted upon me. Don’t know why, I hope the next 20 are more like those first 20 because I can ill afford any more hardships even if they are self-imposed.
Here’s the short version, I emailed you the other
AnissaM Reply:
March 2nd, 2009 at 3:45 am
@Jerri Ann,
WOW, thanks so much for taking the time to leave me so much information. Parenting is a double-full-time job and I sure appreciate having everyone’s feedback and suggestions. *hugs*
on Mar 1st, 2009 at 8:43 pm
After reading all the posts and replies about whether or not the punishment fits the crime, or how to deal with the guilt about the punishment, I have come to the conclusion that none of you would know what to do if your children didn’t have all these “toys” that you could take away in the event they didn’t follow the rules. Perhaps if they weren’t given so many “things” the leverage on the punishment would change.
on Mar 1st, 2009 at 10:10 pm
I completely get that it hurts you more! I hate being the mean parent. As parents, we have to follow through on the punishments or the kids think we are idiots. Just think of the show “The Nanny”
As an MSW, I’ve taught parenting courses and one of my favorite tips is adjust the length of the punishment to the child’s age. I remember wanting my ears pierced when I was nine and my parents telling me that I had to wait until I was 16. They may as well have asked me to wait until I was 95, that is what it felt like. Anyway, forever is kind of harsh in my eyes but look on the bright side- there will likely be a new and improved portable gaming system soon. You told Nathaniel his DS was gone. But that does not mean that he can’t get something else- say the latest handheld for Christmas. That way you have followed through on your word and you don’t have to keep the mean parent title 
Anissa, you are an awesome Mom – You’re kids are lucky to have you. Ignore the angry woman who writes crap on your site.
AnissaM Reply:
March 2nd, 2009 at 3:46 am
@jennifer,
Thanks, doll! Although I don’t regret the punishment, frankly, it was appropriate, I do hate that he’s hurting because of it. I think I’ll be taking the suggestions of so many of you guys and finding a way for him to “earn” it back..whether through jobs or just finally committing himself to the things required of him.
YOU’z the awesome!
on Mar 2nd, 2009 at 3:23 am
Aw, Anissa you did the right thing. If grades are important to you, and he knows that, then you are right to enforce it. And you know what – if the Gameboy is that much of an obsession, perhaps it wasn’t such a bad thing to lose it. I have to say I’m not a fan of kids and their obsession with games. I had a Nintendo when I was 13, I loved it, but I didn’t get obsessed with it. I swear, there’s secret addictive messages being put into games these days!!!
The important thing is you stay strong. If he whinges, or turns on the charm, and gets it back, then he will quickly learn you won’t stick to your word. Like you said, he knows he can wait. That said, if you take EVERYTHING important away from him, just be careful he doesn’t get the mentality of “I got nothing to lose anyway so why try.” He still needs something to work towards. It’s a tough balance. I mind two boys 10 and 11 who have become mercanaries. They will not do ANYTHING unless there is some kind of reward waiting for them, and if they’ve been punished they won’t do a thing. Once they said to me “Why should we do anything? You already took TV away, so what’s the point?” Grrrrrrr…….
AnissaM Reply:
March 2nd, 2009 at 3:48 am
@Marie,
One thing I stressed to him was how much more fun he was to be around when his nose isn’t stuck in a game. We got in the van and had this great conversation during a time when I’d normally be listening to music and he’d be playing a game. I think it’s really good for both of us…all of us…to steal these moments to reconnect.
And I’m working up an immunity to his charm..I think.
on Mar 3rd, 2009 at 7:46 pm
Anissa, this is basically in response to comment #32…for some reason this one bothered me.
**Not exactly…and you may have missed the fact that it really has nothing to do with “toys” at all…but with having to make a decision that makes your child, your heart, your life, sad to the core. I think all that most of us want is to know that our children, at whatever stage of development they are in, are emotionally equipped to deal with the consequences of their actions…the consequences that we as parents hand out, because it is our God given responsibility to teach lessons. The sadness we feel as a mom is much easier to deal with on many levels if we know for a fact that the child truly “gets it” and does not just feel bullied, or isolated, or that you just pulled rank because you can. All of this transends “toys” or any tangible items taken away. It is about balance and about love and wanting our children to feel that love is often about making a choice to do what is right, not just what feels good…and this rationale can apply to many stages in life. I would venture a guess that even parents that can not financially provide the “toys” you site, deal everyday with these same dilemmas. Children are NOT miniature adults, but they ARE people…who will use the tools given to them , good or bad, to cope with life.
on Mar 3rd, 2009 at 7:52 pm
I can not believe that I left off one of my favorite statements that I used to say to my son, and at 22 he still has it bouncing around in his head…”If you are going to use the time that you should have been working, to play…then you will be using your playtime to work”
Thank you for writing such a wonderful, insightful blog. I do not know why I never posted before…I guess I was one of those “lurkers”? Your kids are too cute, and appear to be so very happy…it is not just the smiles in pics…you can see it in their eyes.
SusieQ Reply:
March 4th, 2009 at 1:02 am
@April D in Dallas,
I love that saying…can I borrow it? At this very moment my 12 yr. old is catching up on her “Saturday chores” because she wants me to RSVP for a B’day sleep over this weekend. She knows its in her interest to get her laundry put away, throw out her trash, straighten her desk and make her bed first!
April D in Dallas Reply:
March 4th, 2009 at 7:45 am
@SusieQ,
Smart girl!!! and Yes you may borrow my snippet of wisdom (hahaha)…hope your daughter enjoys it as much as my son always did!!!!